CelebrityFIST!

These pics are new to me but someone mentioned to me that they’re from 2006.  Or at least I think that’s what he said because he wrote it in German and my German is about as good as my Arabic (i.e.: non-existent).

But I figure, hey “new” pictures + see-thru nipplage + Xtina Aguilera = worthy of a post; so here you go.

And yes, I would suck on those damn things until she was back down to an A-cup.  (more…)

AGGGH!! MY EYES! MY PENIS!

Well now some time later…. OH SNAP!  Wha’ happened?  She looks like a bargain clown you get at the last minute for your girlfriend’s kid’s birthday.  And the only reason you spring for it is because you’re trying to get the desperately needed blowjob that no one else will give you because you’re a fat bastard who can’t see his weenie without sucking in his gut into a black hole and you spent all your money on beer that only causes your already fat gut to get fatter.

…

But I digress.  (Man, I gonna therapy after today!    )

No seriously, she looks terrible.  Maybe she’s between stylists.  Surely she has one on call or something?  I’m mean, shit - she’s coming outta a limo.  You don’t buy those things; you rent’em.  You can rent a limo but not someone to tell you that “Girrrl!  You look like a Cindy Lauper and Boy George’s love child!”   Shit, I’ll do it!  Pay me $1500 a week and tell you you look like shit or not.

What?  $1500 not enough?

No no no! I warned you about the glass door! 

Christina Aguilera’s post-pregnancy obviously has been a double-edged sword.  While her boobs seem fatter than ever; her face seems to have taken a trip to the butter aisle.

Don’t get me wrong; I love big natural boobs but with the current state of her face, it’s paperbag time for me.

…

What?  I’m a picky sonuvbitch.  Fuck you. 

I like big boobs and I cannot lie … but goddamn!  It almost appears that Christina Aguilera’s milk jugs are S T R E T C H I N G her skin to the limit!  If you look carefully you can actually see the blood cells flowing through the veins.  Niiiiiiiiice.  Oh and make sure you show them off, too.
Actually, I think she doubles as a GPS system when her hubby goes driving.  Yeah, go down the vein and make a left at the nipple.  And just go 3 blocks past the nipplehair.

If feel kinda bad though that this isn’t the “old” Christina; she probably would have popped those puppies out and gone “Who wants a milk shower!?”  I would have had a glass ready.

I’m sure Christina Aguilera did something newsworthy. Maybe she save a bunch of kittens on the side of the road or maybe she found the cure for cancer.

Or - maybe she flashed just enough breast to make us wonder how far her milk streams go. I dunno, I’m not psychic.

Oh yeah, here some pics.

Okay, I’m too lazy to crop photos, a’ight?

Well, as it has to inevitably happen; all these pregnant bitches women glowing from pregnancy are giving birth.  We had Christina Aguilera finally dropped her load on Saturday night.  Damn - I wonder what that screaming was in the distance the other night…

The baby boy’s name is Max Liron Bratman and…

Max Liron Bratman?  Well, “Max” is okay.  But “Liron”????  *One GIS later*  Hmm, Hebrew meaning “my song”.

…

How quaint. (rolls eyes)

Meanwhile, Nicole “Wrong Way” Ritchie gave birth also on Saturday to a girl and named her Harlow Winter Kate Madden.

…

Okay, “Harlow”’s cool (I think of Jean Harlow) and Kate’s perfectly fine.  But … Winter??????  Jeez, it’s a kid - not a pet?!

Then again this is from a guy who has 3 cats named Mariah, Britney, and J.Lo.  Yeah, you should hear the shit I get at the vet’s.

More Naked Preggo Pics From Christina Aguilera’s Marie Claire shoot:

A rant about and pictures of Lily Cole: NSFW (Drunken Stepfather)

American Mags Suck Reason #7,834: Hungarian Playmate Linda Kustanczi in Maxim Hungary (NSFW)

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace in a barely-there black bikini

Is Victoria Beckham (aka “Robo-Spice”) missing her implants? - Daily Mail

Marie Osmond’s Fainting Spell On “Dancing With The Stars” May Have Been Faked - TMZ 

Britney Spears may or may not be pregnant (God help us all) - X17 Online

Carson Daly crossing Writers’ Strike Picket Line (just to remind us he still exists - yippee) - People

Last (but not least) - Christina Aguilera is naked - and pregnant - in Marie Claire (of all things).  You know what?  If she looked liked this in real life (you know these are Photoshop); I’d do her.  I’d do her now.

Well, it was inevitable, we now have Xtina’s roast beef on display. Uh - maybe. It’s honestly hard to tell because the shot’s obscured by the tinted window. Also, it looks like she wearing hose, but — AH, HELL — you be the judge and let me know, okay? Okay.

Also, we couldn’t we get to see this BEFORE she got preggers. Damn, now I feel all dirty inside. Blech!

(Pics after the jump)

(more…)

X17 Online is now reporting that Christina Aguilera is buying boy clothes. Great. First Britney Spears Swamp Thing has two boys now Christina is having a boy as well. Shit - next generation is gonna be nothing but more fucking boy bands. DAMMIT!

(Yes, I know what it looks like that coming out of her mouth - it may just be gum; but it’ll do in a pinch. I’ll be right back! )