“… because that deal didn’t go down the way you thought it would…”

A mighty shocking autopsy report concludes cocaine contributed to the sudden death of pitchman Billy Mays back in June.

Official documents show the following drugs were in Mays’ system — hydrocodone (Vicodin), oxycodone (painkiller), alprazolam (Xanax), nordiazepam (Valium), benzoylecgonine (byproduct of cocaine) and temazepam (anti-anxiety). Ethanol — alcohol — was also in Mays’ system.

A Hillsborough County press release says “from the presence of metabolites of cocaine and the absence of cocaine itself, it was concluded that Mr. Mays used cocaine in the few days prior to his death but not immediately prior to death.”

As you might expect, his family (specifically, his wife) was not pleased:

“We are extremely disappointed by the press release released by the Hillsborough County medical examiner’s office. We believe it contains speculative conclusions that are frankly unnecessary and tend to obscure the conclusion that Billy suffered from chronic, untreated hypertension, which only demonstrates how important it is to regularly monitor one’s health.

As those who were close to Billy knew, he had been in chronic pain for more than two years and was about to have his third hip surgery in 18 months. His use of prescription pain medication for his hip condition was guided by his physician and was at recommended usage levels.” (TMZ again)

Okay, this where ALL these other fuckers can’t touch me on…  (puts on mighty ‘druggist‘ hat on)

…we don’t actually WEAR hats but you get the idea…

Hydrocodone & Oxycodone - not minor league.  In fact, oxycodone is strictly ‘hardcore’ pain med.  If he was using this he didn’t have pain - he had ‘fuckin’ hellspawn pain.  Or, at least should’ve…

Alprazolam, (Nor)diazepam, Temazepam - TMZ is wrong on temazepam.  This is strictly used for sleep (insomnia).  The OTHER two though are anti-anxiety.  Plus, they’re in the same family; there’s no logical reason to be on both alprazolam and diazepam (alprazolam is a few times more powerful than diazepam).

Ethanol & cocaine - ’nuff said.

All that said - he had time to get his “chronic pain” taken care of but NOT his hypertension (high blood pressure)???  Who was his doctor?  Doctor Feelgood???

VERDICT - toxicology reports only detect narcotics and other illicits (I should know).  If he was on any antihypertensive medications, they won’t show up.  SO (my opinion only) - he either had a mega-quack for a doctor OR he was partying big time.  Or both.

St Lucia’s water looks alot like a bourbon and coke

Singer Amy Winehouse was taken to hospital in St Lucia after collapsing on Friday evening.

According to her spokesperson, the 23-year-old was treated for dehydration in hospital after fainting at her home and stayed overnight for observation.

No *snicker* don’t laugh yet, it gets better…

Her UK publicist, Chris Goodman, said: “She fainted at home and they took her in for observation, mainly to do with her medication to check everything was OK.

“They told her that she was dehydrated and needed to drink more water.”(ContactMusic)

First, I think Chris Goodman needs to take his/her comedy act on the road because I haven’t heard this type of hilarity since Don Rickles.  Second, I really don’t think Amy is capable of drinking water as its very likely her body has not completed it’s adaptation as a alcohol-based lifeform.  I’m pretty sure that water for her is now like drinking alcohol for us.  She could die.

Also, “her medications”?  The woman probably drinks enough drugs in a day to stock up a pharmacy or two - and that probably just the legal ones.  Heaven knows what else is in her system.  Hmm, I’m beginning to think that she IS an alien lifeform or maybe she’s doing this because she fucked an alien and is trying to gestate the alien eggs in her body with drugs and alcohol.  Who knows, maybe one day she’ll be walking down the beach and burst open with a 100 million tiny Amy Winehouses (just like a spider sac) and each one will be a tattooed, alcoholic, drug-addled mess bent on world domination.

…

I’m gonna get my teddy bear. 

LAST MINUTE UPDATE:   from The Sun:

EVEN going to hospital doesn’t slow down AMY WINEHOUSE — the singer went straight from her St Lucia sickbed to a bar.  But as soon as doctors gave her the all-clear, off she went boozing at the plush Le Sport resort for much of the weekend.

Poor Kirstie Alley, I really feel bad for her.  Thin, fat, kinda-thin, mega-fat, kinda-thin, mega-fat.  It’s not healthy over the long term.  I think part of the problem though maybe her eating habits.  She told Oprah Winfrey:

“We look around. We see what we want,” says Alley, 58. “Don’t you look around and see what you want to look like? I’m, like, ‘Look, Michelle Obama’s guns. I could have those arms,’ ” she says. “I don’t know about the legs.”

???

Kirstie honey, eating people is bad!  Bad Kirstie!  Don’t you know that people nowadays are obese and have a lot of fat!  Now granted you’re thinking you can limit yourself to just her arms; but we know you.  Soon, you’re putting ketchup on those legs and who knows when you’ll stop!  Plus - its cannibalism is still illegal.  I think.  Can’t tell nowadays in this fast changing world of ours.

Um, what?  … She’s talking about fitness?  Oh.  Hmm.  Well that’s different (for her anyway)!

Having turned her home gym into a dining room, “I thought, ‘You know what I need? You know what I haven’t had a lot of? I haven’t had a lot of dinner parties and company,’ ” says Alley.(People.com)

I think she’s doing this weight loss thing wrong.  It should be “dining room to home gym”.  So maybe she is talking about eating Michelle Obama.  

Dude ‘Beijing Brown’ TOTALLY rocks!  WHOOO!

Now Michael Phelps, the dude?  Party on, bro!  He likes trash women (read that someplace) and knows how play the bong, bro!  Unfortunately, the pothead got a major buzzkill when he got busted with a dude taking his picture while toking up.  Worst, the hozer sold it to News of the World.  Man, unrighteous…

As NOTW reports it…

In our exclusive photo Michael Phelps, who won a record EIGHT gold medals for swimming at the Beijing games last summer, draws from a bong.

The glass pipes are generally used to smoke cannabis. (Personally, I’ve NEVER seen them used for anything else! - UC)

And after sporting chiefs announced laws which mean four-year bans for drug-taking, Phelps’ dreams of adding to his overall 14 gold medal tally at the 2012 games in London could already be OVER.

Those dreams seemed the last thing on his mind when he puffed from the bong during two days of partying with students last November, a quiet time in the swimming calendar when athletes would not expect to get tested for drugs.

See the dude shoulda stayed on the down low or even come up with a disguise you know like those movies?

Having never done pot, I don’t see the attraction.  ::shrugs::  Now, booze?  Well, different story…

The Hottie and The Nottie

Well, it seems that between the current writers strike and Heath Ledger accidentally killing himself, some celebs decided it now was a good time to do that stint in rehab they all need to pad out their resumes.

As noted previously, Delta Burke is in a clinic/asylum/whatever for her hoarding tendencies.  Now comes additional news of two more celebs going in:

ContactMusic:

Hollywood actress KIRSTEN DUNST has become the latest star to reportedly check into rehab - joining the same Utah medical facility as EVA MENDES. According to U.S. magazine Star, the 25-year-old was admitted to Cirque Lodge after a week of wild partying at last month’s Sundance Film Festival. The facility is also the same centre where Lindsay Lohan spent last summer for substance abuse problems. A source tells Star, “She (Dunst) desperately needed help. She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. “She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she’s getting the help she needs.”

Dunst recently dismissed rumours she was on the verge of a breakdown after reports surfaced of her alleged “erratic” behaviour at Sundance, with sources claiming her “odd” antics left friends apologising to other partygoers. But representatives for the Spider-Man star denied the reports insisting, “Kirsten is fine.”

I didn’t even know Eva was in rehab - but then again I’m just staring at that ass crack of hers and think the wonderful uses of butter… (ContactMusic):

EVA MENDES has only left rehab for a temporary break - and will be checking back into the Utah clinic, her publicist has confirmed. The actress entered the Cirque Lodge facility last month amid reports she was battling substance abuse issues. Her spokesperson revealed she was making a positive decision “to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues” - but Mendes left the centre on Wednesday and was spotted getting on a flight to Los Angeles. (H)er publicist insists the actress is only taking a short break from treatment at Cirque, and will be checking back in soon.

Back to Kirsten “Dunce”, apparently she’s not doing well.

“She’s not doing well,” a source close to Dunst told People magazine. (source)

See?

This is actually one of her better days… 

In one of the most anxious moments in my recent memory (matching that time last week when I didn’t know if I had enough toilet paper to finish … “cleaning”), Amy Winehouse was first denied a Visa to come to the US.  Then she was granted one.  Now, she decides she wants to stay in the UK. (ContactMusic)

AMY WINEHOUSE has been granted a U.S. visa just 24 hours after she was banned from entering America to attend the Grammy Awards - but she still won’t travel to Los Angeles to perform at the ceremony (la-zy). The British singer was initially refused a visa at the U.S. embassy in London on Thursday, because of a drug conviction in Norway last October (Our Amy?  NAH!).

Following the decision, Grammy organisers arranged for Winehouse to perform live at Sunday’s event via a satellite link-up. But the embassy reversed its decision on Friday - after discussions involving “officials in the United States” (i.e.: some Winehouse fans in the State Department) concluded Winehouse can go to America. But the Rehab star has opted to remain in London.

A statement from her spokesperson reveals, “Following further discussions involving the U.S. embassy in London and officials in the United States, Amy Winehouse has been granted a visa to enter the United States Of America. “Unfortunately, due to the logistics involved and timing complications, Amy will not be travelling to the U.S. to perform at the Grammys in person. However, she will be performing via satellite broadcast as previously announced. “Amy would like to thank all of those people, in particular the staff involved at the U.S. embassy in London, who have all worked so hard to expedite her application. “She is looking forward to being a part of the 50th Annual Grammy Awards with her Sunday night performance and to going back to the US soon.”

“Logistics and timing complications” are what got me.  Yeah, it was too little time to figure out how to smuggle in the kilo of coke she needs for the performance in that beehive.  Not to mention the time required to insert that crackpipe up in there just right.  Nope, easier just to stay home get wasted, do her karaoke bit, and then finish getting wasted before waking up in a puddle of puke the next day.

Sorry peeples, been busy at my “real” job and it’s basically kicking my ass. I was on a diet for a week but I shot that to hell earlier.

>Sigh<

I need something to cheer me up.

HOARDER DELTA BURKE CHECKS INTO PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

…that’ll work. From Contactmusic:

Beloved (um, a decade ago!) American TV star DELTA BURKE has checked into a psychiatric hospital in a desperate bid to conquer her obsessive-compulsive disorder and “hoarding” issues. The 51-year-old actress - who is famed for her role in U.S. comedy Designing Women in the late 1980s - admits she feared becoming one of those sad women who die under a pile of collected newspapers and bric-a-brack (too late).

She tells TMZ.com, “I was on so many medications and they just weren’t working and I knew I needed to get my meds worked out. I was on five (different medications). “We were thinking the mania hadn’t been properly diagnosed. “I have severe depression. I knew I had general anxiety and I knew I had problems with obsessive compulsion and the hoarding, which I really want to work on. “Have you seen those shows where they don’t find the body for days? And they go in to clean up, and it’s stacks of newspapers up to the ceiling? That’s hoarding, and I hate it.”

Oh God, where do I start?

First of all, we all knew she had a hoarding problem … she’s been hoarding food in those jowls for several years now. It’s a mouth, Delta, not a food bank.

Second, she’s afraid they couldn’t find her body for days underneath stacks of newspaper?? Be hard to miss her unless she’s buried under the New York Public Library. Besides the smell of rotting pork would be easy for the dogs to spot anyway.

…

What? I’m a little frustrated, okay?

INSTA-UPDATE: Her hubby/cook/keeper sez she’s NOT in the loony bin but is in a clinic to adjust her medication. So instead of 3 handfuls of pills maybe she only takes 2. Good for her!

Beats sunflower seeds any day!

BEHOLD, the greatest vending machine of all time!

Fox News:

LOS ANGELES —  The city that popularized the fast food drive-thru has a new innovation: 24-hour medical marijuana vending machines.

Patients suffering from chronic pain, loss of appetite and other ailments that marijuana is said to alleviate can get their pot with a dose of convenience at the Herbal Nutrition Center, where a large machine will dole out the drug around the clock.

Now a drive-thru would be cool, definitely put the “Happy” back into “Happy Meal”.  Of course, the po-po is none too thrilled with this development.

“Somebody owns (it), it’s on a property and somebody fills it,” said DEA Special Agent Jose Martinez. “Once we find out where it’s at, we’ll look into it and see if they’re violating laws.”

The Drug Enforcement Agency and other federal agencies have been actively shutting down major medical marijuana dispensaries throughout the state over the last two years and charging their operators with felony distribution charges.

Having never done the drug myself (no, really!) I don’t see the problem with just legalizing it.  But then again, that’s probably why my political career died after I ran for troop leader in the Cub Scouts.  Not my fucking fault, but now I know why everyone loved my Mom’s brownies.