CelebrityFIST!

Targets Acquired: Victoria’s Secret … Jesse James … Shauna Sand … Kim Kardashian … Ke$ha

Hot Models In The Kiddie Pool, Everybody IN!  In the pool that is, sorry.  Apparently in order to celebrate something, Victoria Secret got models Miranda Kerr, Candice Swanepoel, & Alessandra Ambrosio to stand in a kiddie pool wearing cut off shorts and bikini tops.  Frankly, I would’ve chosen a banana-split eating contest (with MY banana) but hey, this comes kinda close right? 

Jesse James Is A Dick and Sandra Bullock Is Stupid.  Sorry Sandy but c’mon, he was schtupping 4 other women while you took care of his kids??  Da-amn girl you got taken for a ride and a half and didn’t even get a t-shirt!  Seriously, Sandy, call me we’ll “talk”. 

Shauna Sand went to the beach - again.  Seriously, clear stripper heels cannot be a good way of instilling family values on your children.  … Of course the “sex talk” is gonna be VERRRRRRY interesting.  What?  Look it was the best I could do.  Behave or I’ll POST Shauna Sand pics?  What then, huh??

Reggie Brown may have cheated on Kim Kardashian.  OH HORRORS!! :shocked:  Okay, maybe not.  C’mon lets just talk about the real issue here.  Kim won’t let Reggie piss on.  She let Ray J, but she was young and stupid (like what a whole year ago?) and now she’s well older and still stupid.  But not stupid enough to get pissed on twice!  No sirree bob!  Besides I’m sure Reggie would go up to kiss Kim and say “Honey, did the cat mark its territory on you again?”

Ke$ha has a saggy diaper that leaks.  Well it does at the beach.   Gotta love those fat rolls, too.  Sister, I can tell you something - THAT bikini bottom is as flattering to you as a speedo would be for me.  :puke:

TARGETS ACQUIRED: Sophie Monk … Sean Penn … Kelly Clarkson … Tiger Woods … Jessica Simpson

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I don’t watch TV and don’t pretend to know what the fuck this show is about.  However I do know Lucy Lawless (she of Xena fame).  Now I didn’t watch that show either, but i know who she is and that’s enough

She’s the blonde in these vidcaps from Spartacus: Blood And Sand the others I don’t know but DAMN that guy looks like he’s having fun, doesn’t he? (more…)

Kirstie Alley … Andrew Koenig … ‘Chaz’ Bono … Miley & Bret … Tiger’s Hoes

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THE FIST OF 02/15/10
MechaHeidi Montag … Blake Lively … Robert Patterson … Tila Nguyen … Kevin Smith …

MechaHeidi celebrates Valentines - well in this case ‘celebrates’ means inviting photographers to take pictures of your overall-ed ass (literally) in ’sexy’ lingerie.  Well I’m sure its sexy lingerie if it was on anyone else OTHER than Heidi Montag.  Also, I’m pretty sure she can’t get too close to any open flames without the possibility of MELTING.

Blake Lively has decided she wants to take her clothes off for Playboy!  There’s a hitch … well, 2.5 MILLION hitches to be exact.  Seems Blake wants a big payday for going ‘full monty’ in the magazine.  Now, if I were Hef (and I ain’t); I’d say $2.5M?  No problem but I want the WHOLE ENCHILADA (if you know what I mean).  This “coyly hiding” behind mud and handbras?  No way.  I’d tell her, “get up on the stirrups - and now work it!”

Robert Patterson: “I’m allergic to vagina.“ - … BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!    No really, this is easily the stupidest quote of the year.  Even if he is gay (and he still refuses to admit it), its an idiotic quote.  I can imagine him breaking out in hives if he gets wind of bad fish. 

Tila Nguyen almost died again - like totally!  She apparently fell and ‘dented’ her head (like anyone could tell on her deformed skull to begin with).  Shit you know, when she finally kicks the bucket - I’m seriously not gonna believe it.  And knowing this dented bitch she’d STILL manage to Twitter from the Great Beyond/Abyss (depending on your belief system).

Kevin Smith is fat.  Yeah I know not really news but he’s “officially” too fat for Southwest Airlines.  Now after Smith went Twittershit, Southwest caved in like a pussyified boyfriend and apologized.  The thing is though I’m a kinda chunky guy so you have to be REALLY FUCKIN’ FAT to get kicked off of Southwest.  I’m just sayin’.

For those who don’t know, the Pirelli Calendar is the most notable and most exclusive one on the planet.  They’re free but given out to only Pirelli dealers and their clients.  Generally conisdered the “King of Calendars”.  Of course, it doesn’t hurt that most of the models are big names and usually topless (if not downright nude).

Throw in the fact that Terry Richardson is the photographer of the calendar this year (rather famous in his own right for scandalous photoshoots like this) you may see why this calendar is especially notable this year.  And in fact took a while to find HQ pics of the calendar as a whole.

Til now.

Anyway, the models (in alphabetical order) are:  Abbey Lee, Ana Beatriz Barros, Catherine McNeil, Daisy Lowe, Eniko Mihalik, Georgina Stojiljkovic, Gracie Carvalho, Lily Cole, Marloes Horst, Miranda Kerr, & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

By the way, if you’re wondering if a woman is meant to look like she’s ‘licking a cock’ or fellating fruit.  Yeah, knowing Richardson, that is TOTALLY intentional…  Enjoy. 

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I thought I’d try writing some ad copy for Agent Provocateur since I still want earn some cash and don’t wanna have to spend too much time on it.  Ya know since the regular job just keeps me level (damn drinking binges and mysterious credit charges!) and since my “earn money as a medical claims processor” job hasn’t quite panned out.  And since this blogging earns me - oh - whats zero divided by infinity? 

Anyway, *ahem* “Looking to put that spark back in your relationship?   Tired of the same in-and-out?  Bored with the ‘lumberjack and international jewel thief’ scenarios?  Try Agent Provocateur lingerie as a ’spice’ in the sexy soup that you make!  The lingerie is sure to get that ‘wiggle back in your tiggle’ as our lovely Silvia Dimitrova shows you that anyone can look good in our lingerie.  Even your wife?  Or girlfriend.  Or mistress.  Or ’significant other’.  Or ‘real doll’.  Or that mannequin you swiped from the Salvation Army.

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Needs work?  Well here’s Silvia anyway showing off what they have (and SHE has as well!). (more…)

Lets just start with the news item:

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A man who acts as a mascot for the New England Patriots is among 14 people who have been arrested for prostitution-related crimes in Rhode Island since a new law went into effect that banned indoor prostitution.

The bill signed into law in November made prostitution a misdemeanor crime regardless of where it occurs. Previously, indoor prostitution was allowed because of a legal loophole.

State Police say Robert Sormanti of Warwick was among those arrested in an undercover sting at a hotel. The Providence Journal reports Sormanti is among the team’s mascots. (sauce)

These three paragraphs gave me a headache and I had to drink a whole beer just to deaden the pain long enough to write this.

Okay.  First, a team mascot gets busted for trying to pay for sex [I have to believe he was buying because if he were selling that just increases the level of weirdness into a whole new level].  What did he do, have his costume on?  Did he call the football team and say “Uh, I need bail money and people keep trying to steal my oversized shoes.”  Was he retarded enough to actually put down that he was a team mascot when they busted him???

(shakes head)

Second, maybe I’m boneheaded in this way but pro mascots get no poon?  Really??  I used to know a dude who was a mascot for a university and he got chicks pretty readily.  Maybe university chicks are just easier but I find it hard to believe even a pro mascot can’t get a pity fuck at least once a year.  Shit, the Patriots won a Super Bowl not long ago - surely he got laid then?!

Third … how the fuck do you have to fix a loophole for indoor prostitution and more importantly - HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME THIS SHIT!?!?  Goddamn it, I feel like I’ve been getting cheated.

Fourth - that’s nothing (and I don’t condone this) but until recently Rhode Island also ‘allowed’ underage stripping.  When people think of “Sin Cities”; the list includes Bangkok, Rio, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, … and Providence????

Yeah, that just gave me another headache.  BRB - getting another beer.

Yes, I know I’m not helping.  And yes, there are far more attractive women than her.  And more sexy.  And more intelligent.  And more talented.  And more sober.  And more healthy.  And smell less like a tobacco processing plant. (more…)

The strip club’s ‘acoustic night’ wasn’t a good idea

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