CelebrityFIST!

Where do I start?  Do I start by saying I missed my Xmas party but brought food and a no one bothered to check why I didn’t stay?  Do I start with the conversation with #16 that she basically told me (in a ersatz way) that she doesn’t miss me but misses the $$$?  Do I start with the conversation with #17 a few days later that basically ended the same way?  Do I start with the fact that I manage to impress someone from Moskva with the little Russian I know - only to be asked if I can help her with her ’studies’?  (now granted this was at a stripclub so that’s kinda cheating, I admit)

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Well that kinda covers it actually.  Hmph.

Okay, fuck this.  I’m getting drunk and you all need tits (and pussy and whatever).  Here you go: (more…)

Lets just start with the news item:

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A man who acts as a mascot for the New England Patriots is among 14 people who have been arrested for prostitution-related crimes in Rhode Island since a new law went into effect that banned indoor prostitution.

The bill signed into law in November made prostitution a misdemeanor crime regardless of where it occurs. Previously, indoor prostitution was allowed because of a legal loophole.

State Police say Robert Sormanti of Warwick was among those arrested in an undercover sting at a hotel. The Providence Journal reports Sormanti is among the team’s mascots. (sauce)

These three paragraphs gave me a headache and I had to drink a whole beer just to deaden the pain long enough to write this.

Okay.  First, a team mascot gets busted for trying to pay for sex [I have to believe he was buying because if he were selling that just increases the level of weirdness into a whole new level].  What did he do, have his costume on?  Did he call the football team and say “Uh, I need bail money and people keep trying to steal my oversized shoes.”  Was he retarded enough to actually put down that he was a team mascot when they busted him???

(shakes head)

Second, maybe I’m boneheaded in this way but pro mascots get no poon?  Really??  I used to know a dude who was a mascot for a university and he got chicks pretty readily.  Maybe university chicks are just easier but I find it hard to believe even a pro mascot can’t get a pity fuck at least once a year.  Shit, the Patriots won a Super Bowl not long ago - surely he got laid then?!

Third … how the fuck do you have to fix a loophole for indoor prostitution and more importantly - HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME THIS SHIT!?!?  Goddamn it, I feel like I’ve been getting cheated.

Fourth - that’s nothing (and I don’t condone this) but until recently Rhode Island also ‘allowed’ underage stripping.  When people think of “Sin Cities”; the list includes Bangkok, Rio, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, … and Providence????

Yeah, that just gave me another headache.  BRB - getting another beer.

Now, in theory since this is (or was, apparently) a celebrity gossip blog; I should be all over this shit with Tiger Woods and his 1 2 3 4 6 9 10 mistresses.  Let me be as succinct as I can about this: (more…)

I have a friend who says he and his fiance chose this to be their song at their wedding.

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No.  Really.  No joke. (more…)

You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me.

Frankly, the world will end one day.  It’ll definitely end for me when I die (whenever the fuck that is).  And the world will eventually get gobbled up when the sun turns into a red giant some billions of years from now.

But December 21, 2012?  Um …. no.

But guess what!?  The movie ‘2012′ has come out and I was on the way to work today and was literally amazed at how people who caught the midnight showing were calling the radio station I listened to (rock station, BTW) and wondering if it could really happen.  I nearly had an accident on the road laughing.

Ok, truth?  Every 2160 years or so the constellation visible the early morning of the spring equinox changes.  Why?  Well, the Earth (like every other celestial body) wobbles [like a top spinning].  Anyhoo, on 12/21/12; the constellation Aquarius will ‘officially’ become the first constellation as opposed to the current one (Pisces).

‘Age of Aquarius’, get it?

Anyhoo, the Mayans were REALLY good at predicting this shit (using their own constellations, of course); moreso since they basically had was the sun, well place window slits, and brains (something the last few generations of human beings lack apparently).

Now I could go on an explain how the calendar was created for the harvest of crops, how it co-opt by Christians, blah blah.  Frankly, I don’t have the patience and if you DO believe the world’s gonna end; well you’re beyond my help already.

On the other hand…

I do think that from today leading up to 12/21/12; people will be doing some seriously idiotic shit and use 2012 to justify it.

… and for THAT, I’m breaking out the brewskis!  Who’s with me?

I don’t understand why a half-naked woman needs to be in Men’s Fitness.  Especially if it’s a non-athlete like Ashley Greene. (more…)