CelebrityFIST!

… Amanda Seyfried … Hilary Duff … Jennifer Love Hewitt … Paris Hilton … Jon Voight & ‘Bradgelina’

(more…)

Well, technically this is still a celeb gossip/snark site (though you couldn’t tell from the past few days … weeks … months) so I thought I’d actually throw in some GOSSIP for a change.

Yeah I now.  “OMFG! WTF!”

Don’t call Demi Moore a ‘cougar’. (Wonderwall)

Yeah there are so many other words available:  skank, cunt, bitch,…

Mickey Rourke proves the formula: 1 Oscar nod = endless hot poon.  (Drunken Stepfather)

Seriously, my bet is that the dude who got a nomination for best sound 10 years ago is STILL pulling down better pussy that I could ever hope for. 

Miley Cyrus just gets weirder everytime she opens her mouth (The Blemish)

…and not in a good way either.  She sounds like - well Lindsay, six years ago.  Uh oh.

Tiffani Amber Thiessen is now a MILF-to-be. (Just Jared)

Great another masturbation ritual shot to hell. 

Jenny McCarthy won’t close the deal with Jim Carrey (OK! Magazine)

Say’s they’re ’soulmates’ but waiting for the latest grosses on A Christmas Carol.

Lindsay Lohan vs. her Dad, Part 739 (A Socialite’s Life)

Obviously the universe is not big enough for these two psychotics.

Oh goody.  Sarah Jessica Parker in 80’s flashback clothes.  (popbytes)

Well, there goes my appetite … for the next six months.

 

Doug looked up ‘herpes’ in the dictionary…

So what does it take to want to choke Paris Hilton?  Besides simply existing?

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt went at each other last night in front of the paparazzi. The two were out celebrating Halloween and apparently the shit hit the fan when they got in an argument inside their limo and Doug threw Paris’ phone out the window. Paris was reportedly yelling “I’m going to kill you” which prompted Doug to wrap his hands around her neck until a mutual friend pulled her out of the car. (Sauce)

Frankly I’d have choked her for making wear that retarded get-up that he’s wearing if nothing else.

King of Pop meets the Queen of Herp
As well all know, Michael Jackson has gone to that big kindergarten in the sky (yes, going to hell, etc).  And there have been many tributes paid to him (rightfully so).  But NONE so heartfelt as Paris Hilton’s.  Why?  Well, she allows us to see pictures from when Jackson was still alive and Z-O-M-G-!  She knew him then!!!!

Posted on her herpes-infested Twitter page:

I’m feeling faint, someone help me!

Is it possible for a vagina to commit suicide?

Wow, lots of “noteworthy” Paris Hilton news which can be summed up in two sentences:

• She’s kicked her newest boyfriend to the curb
• Her vagina has disappeared

Now I realize that this may simply be nude underwear but I tend to believe Darwin’s Theory of Evolution.  To wit, her body has created an adaptation to prevent further infiltration by anymore STDs - not that it matters since she has everyone of them already - her body has eliminated her vagina!

Either she DID break up with her latest victim:

“In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy,” a rep for Hilton says. (People)

“Respect their privacy”??  Attention whores?  Um …. o-kay…

Whatever, Dougie is now free to spread the Paris virus to the whole world.  Wonderful.  Fuck “The Oink” we have to stop “The Skank”!!

UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!!

SHE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THE HILTON SISTERS!!! 

The ‘Poker Face’ singer - who is well known for her eccentric clothing and party lifestyle - can’t stand the thought of life away from the public eye and wouldn’t be able to cope with normal life.

She said: “There are times when it can be a lot to deal with but always when I get up in the morning I try to find that very joyful place that reminds me that I would die if someone took it all away. If someone did that I wouldn’t be a person any more.”

But the eccentric star, who went to the elite Convent of the Sacred Heart School with Paris and Nicky Hilton, relishes the opportunity to be herself.

She said: “Right now the only thing that I am concerned with in my life is being an artist. I had to suppress it for so many years in high school because I was made fun of but now I’m completely insulated in my box of insanity and I can do whatever I like.” (ContactMusic)

Ye gods!  And a convent at that!!

What the hell?  Is it built on an ancient burial ground?  Perhaps the Necronomicon is buried there?  Maybe it was the former grounds of Miskatonic Tech?  Brrr!

Well shit, no wonder she’s mental.  She probably got picked on by the Hiltons and it fucked with her head.  Or maybe she got the Herp from them.  Who knows.  All I know is that apparently the mental virus that Paris has is airborne.  FUCK!

To hell with Swine Flu - we gotta stop the Paris Effect!!  I’m getting duct tape and masks right now.  See you later!!!

Species IV: The Succubus Strikes!

You know there’s a reason why I group all of Paris Hilton’s antics together and dump’em in one post.  Because face it, a little Paris goes a very long way (particularly if you get the herpes from her).

So, in full glory is Paris Hilton ‘expressing’ her ‘love’ for her ‘boyfriend’, Doug Reinhart.  Sorry, if you’ve eaten lunch.  My apologies. 

Now I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve never had a french kiss but this…this looks so wrong.  Seriously, it looks like she swallows live rats for lunch.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see the corpses of several ex-boyfriends still lying in her gullet.

…PIN-NO-CHIO!!!

Also, she’s apparently come t-h-i-s close to having outright public sex.  Hell, the French are tolerant but even they have standards about bestiality…
Of course that’s not to say this is only idiotic thing Paris has done.  So far on her trip, she’s flashed her panties - AGAIN (see below), she lost her phone - AGAIN.  She also attempted to charge clubs $100,000 for her to grace her presence (no one bought).  Plus, if a blind item is correct; Doug may have freaked after losing his coke down a toilet.

Meanwhile, back home; her neighbors have had enough of her even though she’s actually only been there for a few days:

The neighbor says Hiltie is ruining his life. She’s lived there a grand total of 5 days … already cops have been called twice because of loud parties, screaming and yelling, and vandalism.
The house in the Hollywood Hills had been listed at $22,000 a month. So the neighbor is willing to give the landlord $27,000 a month if Paris goes away.
And get this … we’re told the neighbor complained to Doug yesterday about all the ruckus since Paris moved in. Doug said, “This is what you have to expect because Paris and I are public figures. (TMZ)

The ironic thing is that Paris Hilton is so desperate to make money she should just have the neighbor’s pay HER to not live in the house while she pays the rent on it.  Oh wait, she doesn’t have anymore non-herpified brain cells left.  Nevermind.

Either incredibly smart or the herpes is in her brain…

:breathes deep:

Ok, now you may or may not know but Paris is being sued for not promoting a movie she was in (and inexplicably “executive produced”) in 2006, Pledge This!  The following was in pretrial hearings:

[Paris] was asked by lawyers during a pre-trial hearing in Miami Thursday if she keeps a diary for business meetings.

“I just press my name and Google it and see,” she told the court.

  I couldn’t make this shit up in my most feverish dreams.  I mean I believe she doesn’t keep a diary of business meetings … but GOOGLE?! 

Ok, Chaoz, calm down - lets see what else she had to say…

Asked by lawyers about her calls from the producers, she testified: “With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time. I probably get a new cellphone, like, every two weeks.”

When shown a copy of her cell phone bill, she replied: “I’ve never seen a phone bill of mine in my life.”

(eyes twitching now)  Um … (grinding teeth)  I …. can …. do this.  Okay ……… what else, Paris?

Asked what her responsibilities as the film’s executive producer, Hilton told the court, “I’m not sure what a producer does, but - I don’t know, help get cool people in the cast?”

GAH!  (frothing mouth)  Agggh … what …. gahh …. else?

Hilton, who also revealed that she earns $11 million a year, claims she adequately honored her deal to promote the film.

“Any chance I got, any red carpet, any press, if I was doing something for another product…I would just bring it up, ‘Oh, my new sorority film, it’s going to be sexy, it’s going to be really hot girls,’” she testified. “Like, I really, you know, did my best.”

(eyes rolling back)

A lawyer for Hilton added that the investors made unreasonable and last-minute demands for publicity events because the heiress’ schedule is always fully booked.

Said attorney Michael Weinstein: “She’s the single busiest person on the planet.” (USMagazine)

This is “Unca Chaoz’” physician, Dr. Bombay; I am completing this post for my patient.  He is currently unable to complete it as he has been found in a fetal catatonic state in a pool of urine and feces.  We are attempting to determine what horrific stimulus brought this on; any and all information would be appreciated.  Thank you.

RARE - picture of Paris NOT wanting her picture taken

*erp* Ok, remember how I once said I’d do Paris Hilton?  Well, I still would but *ugh* I would want to *urp* have *oh god* children with her *ack* like this guy. 

Nicole’s longtime BFF, Paris Hilton, 28, may be joining the mom club now that she’s serious with The Hills’ Doug Reinhardt. “Paris would make a great mom — she’s my Angel Princess.  I’d love to have some mini Parises(!!!) one day,” Doug told In Touch at LA’s MyHouse on March 20. “I’d love to have children, that’s what completes your life,” added Paris. Doug, 23, is also a better fit than her ex Benji Madden. “She thought she could look past his tattoos and piercings, but Paris wants her children to have a clean-cut father,” says an insider. “And they’re crazy about each other.”  (INTouch)

“mini-Parises”????

BLAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

Seriously, I have limits.  “2 Girls, 1 Cup”?  Nothing.  Bestiality?  Pish posh.  Baby Parises??  FU!!!!

I try to look at it this way - he is SO obvious about the money.  “Paris, lets make babies” is another way of saying “Paris, let me take half.”  I almost want to side with her by default.  It’s like asking to clone Hitler - fine, but WHY that person?  There’s always another reason.

Life in plastic, It’s sucktastic!

Well it seems everyone’s favorite rich cunt socialite has gone and done got herself a new car.  Not just any new car, but a Bentley.  And not just any Bentley but a pink Bentley WITH diamonds on the dashboard worth more than the car itself.

PARIS HILTON is having a £200,000 diamond-encrusted dashboard made for her pink Bentley.

The hotel heiress, 27, will have it flown out from the firm’s British HQ in Crewe to be fitted to her £140,000 Continental GT in Los Angeles.

Paris got one of her guys to phone Bentley in Crewe, where the vehicle was made, to ask if it would be possible to give it a little more sparkle.

“When the man said she wanted to stud the dashboard with a couple of hundred grand’s worth of diamonds, we were stunned.

“We’re used to dealing with the stars so we expect the odd extravagance, but this is something else.”

And then it gets better…

She gushed: “I’ve just always wanted a pink car.

“I think when you’re a little girl and you have the Barbie Corvette you’re always like, ‘Oh, I wish I had a car like this one day.’

“I think it just comes from being a fan of Barbie for so long.” (Sun UK)

So bitch still hasn’t spent ALL of daddy’s money yet.  Interesting.  I wonder how long it’ll take before Daddy has a coronary over this.  Never mind the fact that a lot of us don’t have two fucking nickels to rub together she’s gotta rub it in by throwing diamonds on the sonabitch.

Wonder how long it’ll take before it gets stolen or carjacked.  Any bets?