CelebrityFIST!

Okay, not “fuck you” specifically, but just a general “fuck you” to those who I help out and then when I need some fuckin’ help or even just a sounding fuckin’ board - nada, nothing, zip.  Yeah, friends are only as good as far as you can throw them.

…

Guess that means I need midgets as friends now. 

Michael Lohan had a heart attack.  Ah, poor thing.  Fortunately, he’s still alive so hopefully with God’s grace and with blessing of the heavens he can one day still see his beloved daughter Lindsay taking a good load of my splooge in her ass while Ali takes notes on technique.

(no I’m not a happy camper today, why do you ask?)

Kim Kardashian thinks she’s an ACTUAL celebrity.  This is a hoot because apparently, she’s ‘in negotiations’ to stay on her own reality show.  Sweetie.  Two words:  GOLDEN SHOWER.  Seriously, if I ever find that shit; I’m seeding that like goddamn dandelion.  On the other hand she could sell “Kim K” dolls with “Ray J”-pissing action.  Ken never got off like that from Barbie, that’s for damn sure.

I will attempt to FUCK Sandra Bullock.  No really.  I will try to lose some weight over the next coupla weeks.  Cut my hair.  Trim ‘down there’.  Because even Jesse James (the dumbass ‘reality mechanic’ not the deceased gunslinger) decided to fuck around on Sandra “I bet she swallows” Bullock.  Not only that, she takes care of HIS kid (from a pornstar) and the woman he cheated with had tattoos.  Not that tattoos are bad but her ink SUCKS.  Seriously, I could make a reasonable play.  If I do, pictures will be involved.  Promised. 

Mischa Barton will suck cock for pasta.  No really.  Apparently she’s so hungry she’ll eat groceries before they’re rung up AND her card gets declined.  So make sure you unzip and throw you’re limp linguini out there.  If you feel a sucking sensation that just might be Mischa Barton!  Or the ghost of Michael Jackson.  Either or.

….

That’s all I got for now.  #17 has decided to play the ‘forgiveness’ card (i.e.: “I forgive you for disliking me”).

OH

HELL

TO

THE

FUCK

NO.

… excuse me, please …

… Amanda Seyfried … Hilary Duff … Jennifer Love Hewitt … Paris Hilton … Jon Voight & ‘Bradgelina’

(more…)

> > > W I D E   L O A D < < <

(both a description AND its capacity)

Maddox Likes Big Butts And He Cannot Lie - Eight year-old Maddox Jolie-Pitt (why not Pitt-Jolie, Angelina?) apparently went to a Saints game with ‘dad’ Brad Pitt and was didn’t give a shit about the game…

A lengthy OK! investigation can now reveal that Maddox was more interested in the giant TV screens flashing pictures of Kim Kardashian in her luxury box.

“He has a huge crush on Kim,” a family insider tells OK!. “He thinks she is the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. Well, he used the words ‘hottest girl’ to be exact.”

I think he likes big asses because his mom has the opposite (I think Angelina’s is concave actually).

Or maybe, he heard that she likes being peed on.  You know kids, just love to piss on everything. 

Ali Larter Flashes Panties, Many Go Blind - TheSuperficial has some pics of Ali upskirting at some party that none of us were invited to.  They infer vagina but are just panties.  However, they are definitely not safe for work.  Why?  Well, they show basically that her pussy is saggy.  No.  Really.  It seems she has a saggy pussy.  Which only implies that that thing has seen more turnover than AIG.  … Yeah, I know the joke sucks; its all I got right now okay?

Anyway, if you really wanna see saggy panties.  Go for it.  Just remember you can’t unsee it!

Tila Nguyen STILL won’t go away - Okay, Tila Nguyen was #1 on MySpace, got a reality show, got beat up (allegedly), got engaged to a woman (allegedly), her ‘fiancee’ died (that was legit), and now she’s pregnant (allegedly).  I give up with this one, I don’t understand how an elfin little POS like this does everything BUT a sex tape (supposedly one exists).  She truly is the personification of herpes - everytime she goes away (even for a moment) she comes back stronger, more virulent and typical antibiotics are no longer effective against her.  Fuck Swine Flu - we have Hoe Flu (H0-N0 strain).

Joe Jackson wants his ‘tree fitty‘ - Well Michael Jackson’s dad, Joe is still swinging away at the courts trying to get his (undeserved) slice of the pie.  Basically he’s looking for an ‘allowance’ from his son’s estate.  How touching.  I’d suggest that why doesn’t he just slice of pieces of Michael to sell - but, he’d probably think I was serious.

The elder Jackson is kinda like the Loch Ness monster in this case…

So I’m finally back on the celebrity beat and lets see whats going on.  Oh yeah, well remember how Tila Tequila Nguyen - the former cocktease cum famewhore - said she and Johnson & Johnson heir Casey Johnson were engaged a few weeks back.  Yeah, that didn’t last very long.  Mainly cuz Casey DIED of ‘natural causes’ (i.e.: probably drugs - drugs are natural right?).

Well Tila has been so distraught that she has taken to Twitter to post ‘over 9000′ messages since she died (like a couple of days ago).  Mind you she ‘quit’ Twitter a couple of months back to.  And she also was going to kill herself too.

Anyhoo, The Johnson family had Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips go by and pick up Casey’s belongings including her pet dogs.  This presumably because they didn’t want Tila’s ‘touch of death’ to affect the dogs as well.  Or maybe they though she would eat them - which is a terrible thing to think! 

Tila - in typical famewhore fashion does the sensible thing and calls the cops (and the paps) to see the spectacle.  She apparently was afraid that the dogs would be ‘put down’ (which is kinda ironic since Casey was ‘put down’ earlier).  After receiving assurance that they wouldn’t, she ‘let them go’ with Nicky and Bijou.

If you’re wondering why I just typed all this just for a boring piece of news.  Well, its fucking 30F outside and I’m off today so I gotta have something to kill the time with.

BTW, Tila?  Yeah, next time you say you’re going to kill yourself you better do it otherwise Death is gonna get pissed and take someone you care about instead.  Its already happened once.

EDIT - Jimbo noted I should have posted pictures since I made you all read about the little dwarftard.  And he’s right.  So without further ado are some nudes of her (back when when she was less annoying).  Enjoy!

I rarely post anything about Jon or Mary Gosselin (for those who don’t know - lucky you), suffice that this narcissistic divorced reality TV show couple should really do the world a favor and just jump off it. (more…)

Capable of even turning off molesters…

I realize that the jailbait quotient recently has been a little high.  And it’s not going to go down with this post…

Ali Lohan is shown here taking home groceries.  Now, why are pictures of a burnt-out chick being posted?  Well, I’d like to remind you that she’s only 15 (DOB 12/15/93 - I actually checked to make sure).

You know there’s different ways of looking “older than your age”.  This is easily how NOT to look it. 

First of all she doesn’t even look like a Lohan (I’m still trying to figure out if that’s a compliment or not).  Her lips look like they’re freshly collagenated.  Her face has such a weird tan to it that it looks like someone placed her face first onto a stove.  Plus she’s got that emanciated look that looks like a coked-out model that’s had one purge too many.

…

All in all this is a REALLY bad look on anybody.  On a fifteen year old who should (theoretically) have a … YOUNG look, she instead comes across as someone desperately trying to maintain her relevance after a long career (Geena Davis comes to mind for some reason).

Then I realize she’s Lindsay Lohan’s sister so I can only assume Dina (their ‘blessed’ mother) is responsible for this look.  Yeesh.  At the rate Ali’s going she’s gonna look like Jenna Jameson by the time she’s 18.

Now I KNOW that ain’t compliment. 

‘Before’ and ‘After’! … Photoshop.

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