CelebrityFIST!

You know how I (and 99.999999% of all celeb blogs) basically have the same routine….

BIG PIC (usually a hot chick or a fugly pic from hell)

Various snarking remarks that range from mild irritation to borderline libel.

Bunch of LITTLE PICS (to reinforce said snark)

It’s a crude but very effective system that has worked for thousands of years on the Internet.

So - of course, I’ve decided to trash that for the most part.  I can’t do it.  I don’t have the patience for it.  Maybe if I was hopped up on alcohol all the time I could but - shit, even I need to sober up for work every once in a while (sides the disheveled look doesn’t work with patients after a while).

For example - do you all really want to see a picture of Rip Torn simply because he got arrested for carrying a loaded shotgun … into a bank … while intoxicated?   Eh, what?

The “Men in Black” actor has been taken into custody and booked on charges including burglary and possession of firearm without a permit. He is being held on $100,000 bond and is scheduled for a Monday appearance in Bantam Superior Court.

That’s an impressive three-fer if you ask me.  I mean usually you find the crap on “Cops” or something, but not a Hollywood notable.

Frankly, he shoulda just done a sex tape instead.  Shit, if Dustin Diamond can do it…

I did not know this:

Porn star JANINE LINDEMULDER has reached out to SANDRA BULLOCK in a desperate bid to end the pair’s public battle over TV daredevil JESSE JAMES‘ five-year-old daughter.
James and Bullock were given primary custody of his child by Lindemulder at the beginning of 2009 when she was jailed for tax evasion, and the adult film star has been fighting to get her daughter back ever since her release.
In court on Monday (07Dec09), a judge denied a request to expand visitation rights to James’ ex-wife, but allowed her to spend Christmas Eve (24Dec09) and Christmas morning (25Dec09) with her daughter, Sunny.
Lindemulder has weekly visitation rights with her daughter but only during daylight hours. (sauce) (more…)

Doug looked up ‘herpes’ in the dictionary…

So what does it take to want to choke Paris Hilton?  Besides simply existing?

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt went at each other last night in front of the paparazzi. The two were out celebrating Halloween and apparently the shit hit the fan when they got in an argument inside their limo and Doug threw Paris’ phone out the window. Paris was reportedly yelling “I’m going to kill you” which prompted Doug to wrap his hands around her neck until a mutual friend pulled her out of the car. (Sauce)

Frankly I’d have choked her for making wear that retarded get-up that he’s wearing if nothing else.

NOT Tila, but an amazing simulation!
Our unofficial whore mascot, Tila Nguyen, has gotten into some trouble again.  As you may recall, some one broke into her house and said they killed her on her Twitter (no dice).  Then invaded YouTube with her pitiful ‘tease videos’ (after promising to lie low for a while).  This time it seems even the people she fucks loves are fed up with her.

Reality TV star TILA TEQUILA (my edit - C.)’s American football star boyfriend SHAWNE MERRIMAN was arrested on Sunday morning over allegations he choked and forcibly restrained the model.  Police responded to the home of the San Diego Chargers player, 25, following a 911 call at 3:45 a.m. local time.  The internet pin-up, real name Tila Nguyen, signed a complaint against her beau at the scene and was taken to the local Pomerado Hospital for treatment.

Merriman was taken into custody and is accused of battery and false imprisonment. His bail is set at $58,000.

A lawyer for Merriman has denied all charges against his sportstar client, insisting he was simply trying to prevent an “extremely inebriated” Tequila from travelling home when he didn’t deem it safe for her to do so.
No further details regarding the model’s condition were available as WENN went to press.
The pair have been dating since July (09). (sauce)

Uh-huh.

See this is why it never pays to help a person out if they’re drunk.  I should know having been in that state more times than I can recall (really).  Wanna stay outta trouble and have fun?  Take their keys and toss’em in a vacant lot and then videotape said drunk desperately trying to find them as they call you ever profanity they learned since grade school all the while they’re stumbling and falling over.   Then post that shit on YouTube.

…

What?  No lesson here.  Just wanna see some funny shit is all. 

Lets turn up the uncomfortable notch to 14, shall we?

Below is a DWI cam video.  Kinda like one that is floating of me (no, really - I’ve seen it).  Except this is one of Sahel Kazemi.  Who you ask? Well, no one REALLY important - other than the fact she put four bullets in ex-football star Steve McNair about 48 hours after this video.

so…

obviously, things could be WORSE for me. 

Whee!  Look at me!  I’m a loser!!

I love it when I get a chance to do a positive post about someone taking a stand for what they believe in and trying to save the world and then is firm in their convictions…
But this post is about Jessica Alba. (more…)

Of course, the reason Brett Michaels isn’t happy is that he was playing the Tony Awards.

…

No wait, that’s not right.  I’m he was playing at the Tonys (why?) but he’s actually mad because he got the shit knocked outta him by a piece of staging.  No. Really.

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (more…)

Took 45 shots to make sure she was pointing the camera right…

It is amazing how someone as untalented as Mischa Barton manages to stay even in the gossip cycle.  Of course, in this case its because she pissed off the world’s Hindus.  No small feat.

Actress MISCHA BARTON has upset Hindu leaders by complaining about her efforts to find a sitar teacher in India in a blog posting.
The former The O.C. star was recently in India shooting Bhopal: A Prayer for Rain.
In between filming, Barton had hoped to visit Hindu temples and learn to play the sitar, but when her efforts to find a music teacher failed, she complained to fans and friends on her MySpace.com.
She wrote,

“I must say my goal coming here was to learn to play the sitar and it’s coming along real slow as apparently it’s not that easy to procure a great sitar teacher here. I guess it’s not late 60s (sic) with Ravi Shankar and George Harrison roaming around.”

Her comments have enraged leading scholars, who insist Barton is being immature if she thinks sitar teachers sit on street corners and advertise tutorials on streetlamps. (ContactMusic)

Perhaps for her next post, she can insult the Chinese about not finding good egg rolls and maybe the Russians because she wanted to see the guys with the furry hats kick-dancing and spinning.

It’ll be like a united world … beating the shit out Barton.  Ah, one can dream.

Here’s some pics of her from Genelux (Spring 09) which capture the natural look of Mischa - VACANT.

I can’t say anything, since I’ve had nights like this…

Well former Miss UK (I think) Danielle Lloyd had to have “emergency surgery” - basically she had to go to the emergency room cuz she got the crap kicked and beat outta her.  Of course, like most stories, this ultimately becomes far LESS exciting than one would hope to believe:

“Danielle spent the whole evening at her table at the centre of the club all over her guy completely drunk. They were with two other couples who were equally as drunk.

“It started when one of the girls sitting at the other tables accidentally grabbed or caught one of her hair extensions. The girl apologised but Danielle wouldn’t let it rest and decided it would be a good idea to stand up on the glass table top, joining several other girls who were dancing.

“She had a face like thunder and you knew there was going to be trouble. Two of the girls got off the table but she chose to keep bumping into one of the girls next to her. Not sure what the other girl said but Danielle was shouting right in her face with her hands in the air. Then as the girl turned her back, Danielle grabbed her hair and they all came tumbling down onto the glass table below (everyone in the club saw this so there are bound to be pics out there somewhere).

“There was a massive scuffle/fight on the floor with a few of the girls getting stuck in until the bouncers decided to get involved. I have to admit there was so much blood one of my mates felt faint. Danielle had a massive cut on her leg which was gushing out so they had to lay her down with it elevated until her guy decided to carry her out.”

The only interesting bit is “there was so much blood one of my mates felt faint”.  Wha-at?  You’re shitting me right?  I’ve seen bones sticking out of someone’s arm during a club fight and they’re were STILL fighting.  Seriously, what?  The dude must not get out of those but once a year or is so fey that even movie like Pirates of the Carribean is too graphic for him. 

And the Brits wonder why Yanks think of them as pansies. 

One thing for sure about Danielle, she IS a bleeder!!