CelebrityFIST!

I like Sundays.  Really.  Because on Sundays, regardless if I’m working or off; I’m drinking.  Mainly cause I don’t work til Monday afternoon.  Especially like today - cause the stress of today was just too much.  So lets see what’s lame off the presses, hmm?
(BTW, I’ve decided this is just the same as my “Meanwhile” posts but expanded…
Katrina Bowden’s Hot Ass On the Screen - have you ever wondered what pics I DON’T put up?  This is a classic example.  Katrina Bowden is hot.  Definitely.  But I’m not putting up pics of her in some lame poses from a lame movie just because she’s Katrina Bowden.  Ass?  Nipples?  Pubes?  Yeah, we’ll talk.  Til then, nope.

Maggie Rizer Shows Her Support Against AIDS, Lottery -  Okay, first, there’s great sideboob here.  Second, no nipplage; so go to be disappointed.  Maggie Rizer has a complicated history.  She was a model bringing down $30K per gig.  Sadly (and STOOPIDLY) she let her step-dad control her finances.  Well he pissed that shit on lotto and liquor (sounds like me), broke her ass (money-wise) and then went to jail.  She wound up on welfare and food stamps.  Also, her dad died of AIDS back in 1992 (he was ‘openly gay’ (re: flaming)) so she’s been an activist since - and she flashed her sideage at  some charity gig to prove her loyalty to the cause.

Yeah I know that’s a long way for a joke - can you imagine if I had made it a SOLO post!?

Ben Affleck Fell Off The Wagon?  Whatever. - Apparently, Ben Affleck went into rehab 10000 years ago (back in 2001).  Inexplicably, people are stunned to find out that *GASP* he’s drinking!

Affleck was seen drinking vodka at a Sundance Film Festival party this past weekend. At the party for his new movie [The Company Men], Affleck “immediately sat down at a VIP table and grabbed the bottle of Absolut in front of him and poured a drink,” a source told RadarOnline.com.  Publicists, staffers and others were stunned because they know that Affleck is an admitted alcoholic. They got rid of all the photographers near the area to protect Affleck.

Big. Fucking. Deal.  For starters, ‘alcoholic’ is just a word (real alkies know this).  I KNOW THIS.  I don’t drink every day.  I don’t drink every other day.  Sometimes I drink just once a week.  When I drink, I admit - I drink ALOT.  I don’t drink outside of the house.  I don’t drink to pass out.  I don’t drink to throw up (I’ve know people who do this).  I don’t drink my problems away (they’ll still be there).  I don’t drink to have sex (I know TOO many women who do this).  I don’t drink start fights (with who?).

Fine.  So WHY do I drink?  Simple.  I drink so I can forget (for a little bit) about my age, the social hermit  I am, the debts I have, the crap job that keeps me well paid, the people the depend on me, the animals that do the same, the world going to shit, & where I stand in relation to the history of the universe.

Just letting ya know I’m stills alive.  And drunk.  And its fucking wet and cold outside.

…

Sounds like my ex-fiance.

Tiger Woods is on indefinite hiatus from golf.   I give him credit - it takes a loooooong time to remove a golf club from you ass - head first.

Bisexual has-been Aubrey O’Day tries to pick up Samantha Ronson (Lindsay’s ex) - and fails.  Okay here’s a question - what’s worse: going after Lindsay’s sloppy seconds or FAILING to get them?

Three-year-old Suri Cruise in heels.  Meanwhile somewhere in Switzerland, Roman Polanski is counting the days til he gets a ‘photoshoot’ with her.

Kim Kardashian doesn’t know the difference between teeth cleaning and teeth whitening.  Dumb bitch.

Pamela Anderson likes big penises.  Well duh.

Tila Nguyen’s newest love is in already in trouble with the law.  That took what, 30 minutes?

Yes, gossip.  I figured you needed to be reminded on occasion that Hollyweird isn’t just about boobs and ass.  It’s about stupidity too!

Coming soon to a TV near you:  Charlie’s Angels: Fully Bloated (JustJared)

Okay, I made the title up.  Seriously, though 3 women around each other all the time?  Their cycles would SOOO sync.

Nicole Kidman went the Meg Ryan route and is freaking the fuck outta everyone. (Celebitchy)

I don’t see the problem; she’s a redhead who now has dick-sucking-lips.  Really, there’s a problem with this???

Madonna and Jesus (Luz) might get married.  (Popsugar)

Pestilence:  “Hmm, I don’t recall seeing this in Revelations.  But Jon Gosselin and Octomom might go on a date.”

War:  “Yeah, neither do I but business is booming for me as well.”

Disease:  “True, and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are still spreading my fun around.”

Death: “Aw, the heck with it.  LET’S ROCK N ROLL!”

Johnny Depp is buying… Nicholas Cage?  (LaineyGossip)

Too wild to be true.  Or … too wild that it has to be.  Either way, Depp’s rep gets a boost (like it needs it anyway).

Eh, I’d find more but I’m bored with this post.  NEXT!

Well, technically this is still a celeb gossip/snark site (though you couldn’t tell from the past few days … weeks … months) so I thought I’d actually throw in some GOSSIP for a change.

Yeah I now.  “OMFG! WTF!”

Don’t call Demi Moore a ‘cougar’. (Wonderwall)

Yeah there are so many other words available:  skank, cunt, bitch,…

Mickey Rourke proves the formula: 1 Oscar nod = endless hot poon.  (Drunken Stepfather)

Seriously, my bet is that the dude who got a nomination for best sound 10 years ago is STILL pulling down better pussy that I could ever hope for. 

Miley Cyrus just gets weirder everytime she opens her mouth (The Blemish)

…and not in a good way either.  She sounds like - well Lindsay, six years ago.  Uh oh.

Tiffani Amber Thiessen is now a MILF-to-be. (Just Jared)

Great another masturbation ritual shot to hell. 

Jenny McCarthy won’t close the deal with Jim Carrey (OK! Magazine)

Say’s they’re ’soulmates’ but waiting for the latest grosses on A Christmas Carol.

Lindsay Lohan vs. her Dad, Part 739 (A Socialite’s Life)

Obviously the universe is not big enough for these two psychotics.

Oh goody.  Sarah Jessica Parker in 80’s flashback clothes.  (popbytes)

Well, there goes my appetite … for the next six months.

 

You can almost smell the yeast from here…

Okay, I don’t mean she did a white dude, a black dude, and a Mexican dude.  Though that would’ve been far more awesomer.

…what?  I’m drunk already, leave me alone.

Nah, she did some triathalon shit to prove she 99.99% healthier than the rest of us.  Fuck that.  I’ve done a triathalon before.

…

Granted I’m talking a six-pack, a bottle of tequila, and a pack of cigarettes; but a triathalon nevertheless.

Oh by the way, I have it on good authority that hidden within said vagina are the remnants of Dean Cain’s career! 

About the only thing I haven’t done less recently than a Gratuitous is a Meanwhile… so here we go:

Amy Winehouse is handling reality well (Celebslam) - shit I used to suck my thumb all the time - when I was 2.

Vanessa Hudgens likes being an amateur photographer (ContactMusic) - the fact that she says that with a straight face is astonishing.

Lindsay Lohan’s new costar is … Robert DeNiro???? (PopSugar) - I have no fear.  I know someway, somehow she’ll find a way to fuck this up.

You remember Olivia Newton-John’s dude who was lost at sea and in 2005?  Well he’s apparently alive and well in Mexico (ContactMusic) - man, I usually at LEAST send a text to break up with someone…

SHHHH!  Don’t tell Larry King it’s not International Pirate Day today!! (Celebslam) - shit, even brought the parrot (oh that’s his wife, nevermind)

Pee Wee Herman hits the comeback trail! (ContactMusic) - more power to him.

Paris ‘Boney Knees’ Hilton back with her herpes victim (TheSuperficial) - I got nothing.

Oh yeah - Michael Jackson was FINALLY buried (ContactMusic) - jeez, he’s only been like what, a year?

Mega-pitchman Billy Mays died (ContactMusic)

Nicky Hilton laughs at people trying to get into clubs (DListed) - I have a club I want her to get into … well more like a BAT actually…

Sarah Jessica Parker and Ferris Bueller show off the twins (PinkIsTheNewBlog) - not SJP’s tits (thank you Lord Jesus) but the twin girls that their baby oven surrogate had.

Sex tapes may have officially “jumped the shark” (Gone-Hollywood) - I’d sooner see a Rosie O’Donnell sex tape than John Edwards, okay?

Solange Knowles has no genitalia (DrunkenStepfather) - not surprising considering she’s been manufacturered

Jeff Goldblum NOT dead (ContactMusic)

Also, George Clooney NOT dead (ContactMusic)

But Fred Travalena IS dead (ContactMusic)

“Oh oh, here she comes / watch out boy, she’ll chew you up…”

Melissa Joan Hart the adult-age bitch (TheSuperficial) - here’s hoping the next case of ass-cancer goes to you, you twat. 

Kat Von D pulls off that in-demand “cleaned up Amy Winehouse” look (DrunkenStepfather) - somehow I don’t think of “evening gown” and “shitload of tattoos” together.

Jessica Simpson wants a reality show.  (Celebslam) - I’ve got an idea; put Jessica chained by her leg on one side of a room and a bucket of chicken on the other.  Next to her is a saw.  See how long it takes before she cuts off her leg.  The next week, put the chain on another appendage!  She’s good for at least 5 shows. 

Paris Hilton poses in a bikini (HollywoodTuna) - amazingly despite all attempts from a myriad of scanners; this bitch still won’t die.  It’s assumed she has a established a symbiotic relationship with her herpes virus.

Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx molest each other at the Spike TV Awards (JustJared) - I almost wrote this as a separate post but if your an Oscar winning actress fondling Jamie Foxx’s balls at a no-name event … well, writing about you would just be humoring you.

Adriana Lima is pregnant (Celebslam) - she’s been married 3 months and she’s 3 months pregnant.  Dammit, no wonder she didn’t have sex before marriage - she’s a fertile fucking Mrytle! 

Lady Gaga covers Rolling Stone and is now bi - surprise!  (SocialiteLife) - great now she be sexually unappealing to two genders.

Micheal Lohan (Lindsay’s deadbeat dad) has some ’splaining to do (TheSuperficial) - dumbass threaten to kill his girlfriend when she tried to leave him.  Gee, why would she ever want to leave you dude?

Candice Swanepoel topless pics (Egotastic!) - she’s booooooobilicious!

Avril Lavigne almost pulls off the bikini bod  (NewsToob) - the problem?  Annoying, obnoxious idiots don’t look good in bikinis.  Sorry, but thanks for playing!

Lindsay Lohan in some leggings (DrunkenStepfather) - and I would STILL do her.

Dr. Dre is the new face of Dr. Pepper (ContactMusic) - and you know Eminem is gonna push those damn candies soon as well.

Rose McGowan may burst into flames in direct sunlight (HollywoodTuna) - I know pale is in but did Marilyn Manson give her some sorta albino virus or something??

Okay, changing it up again - found this via PopBytes so props to him/her/them.  This comes from Norwegian Recycling and is a video & audio mashup of The Killers, Kelly Clarkson, Bon Jovi, Muse, Hellogoodbye, Empire Of The Sun anchored with Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida”, it’s called “Viva La Viral” and frankly, I wish I could do QUARTER of the editing these guys could do.  Impressive (and catchy).  Enjoy!

Phil Spector gets 19 years to life (Celebslam) - well so much for him.  Next!

Lisa Rinna - “She’s a loser, baby…” (TheBlemish) - can’t really add more than that.

Simona Halep, 17-year-old prefers a tennis career over her 34DD’s  (F-Listed) - that noise you heard was the collective jaw of 3 billion men dropping to the ground wondering “WTF!?”.  Good God, woman!  Have some decency!  Have some compassion!!  Wait til your 18th birthday.  Do a topless shoot, THEN get them reduced!!  The video rights ALONE would be worth big endorsement money!!  I’m feeling faint…

Candy Spelling:  Tori killed her father. (Popeater) - Well that’s one less Mother’s Day Tori has to worry about getting…

Marc Anthony talks to his ex-wife after he argues with Jennifer Lopez (GabbyBabble) - Skeletor better watch it or J.Lo. is gonna shove Castle Greyskull up his ass!! 

Hugh Hefner takes his hoes to a Lakers game (DrunkenStepfather) - wow I’m just like Hef!  Except, instead of pussies I have pussycats.  And instead of a basketball game I take them to the vet.  … Okay, time to kill myself again!  BRB.