CelebrityFIST!

Targets Acquired: Victoria’s Secret … Jesse James … Shauna Sand … Kim Kardashian … Ke$ha

Hot Models In The Kiddie Pool, Everybody IN!  In the pool that is, sorry.  Apparently in order to celebrate something, Victoria Secret got models Miranda Kerr, Candice Swanepoel, & Alessandra Ambrosio to stand in a kiddie pool wearing cut off shorts and bikini tops.  Frankly, I would’ve chosen a banana-split eating contest (with MY banana) but hey, this comes kinda close right? 

Jesse James Is A Dick and Sandra Bullock Is Stupid.  Sorry Sandy but c’mon, he was schtupping 4 other women while you took care of his kids??  Da-amn girl you got taken for a ride and a half and didn’t even get a t-shirt!  Seriously, Sandy, call me we’ll “talk”. 

Shauna Sand went to the beach - again.  Seriously, clear stripper heels cannot be a good way of instilling family values on your children.  … Of course the “sex talk” is gonna be VERRRRRRY interesting.  What?  Look it was the best I could do.  Behave or I’ll POST Shauna Sand pics?  What then, huh??

Reggie Brown may have cheated on Kim Kardashian.  OH HORRORS!! :shocked:  Okay, maybe not.  C’mon lets just talk about the real issue here.  Kim won’t let Reggie piss on.  She let Ray J, but she was young and stupid (like what a whole year ago?) and now she’s well older and still stupid.  But not stupid enough to get pissed on twice!  No sirree bob!  Besides I’m sure Reggie would go up to kiss Kim and say “Honey, did the cat mark its territory on you again?”

Ke$ha has a saggy diaper that leaks.  Well it does at the beach.   Gotta love those fat rolls, too.  Sister, I can tell you something - THAT bikini bottom is as flattering to you as a speedo would be for me.  :puke:

> > > W I D E   L O A D < < <

(both a description AND its capacity)

Maddox Likes Big Butts And He Cannot Lie - Eight year-old Maddox Jolie-Pitt (why not Pitt-Jolie, Angelina?) apparently went to a Saints game with ‘dad’ Brad Pitt and was didn’t give a shit about the game…

A lengthy OK! investigation can now reveal that Maddox was more interested in the giant TV screens flashing pictures of Kim Kardashian in her luxury box.

“He has a huge crush on Kim,” a family insider tells OK!. “He thinks she is the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. Well, he used the words ‘hottest girl’ to be exact.”

I think he likes big asses because his mom has the opposite (I think Angelina’s is concave actually).

Or maybe, he heard that she likes being peed on.  You know kids, just love to piss on everything. 

Ali Larter Flashes Panties, Many Go Blind - TheSuperficial has some pics of Ali upskirting at some party that none of us were invited to.  They infer vagina but are just panties.  However, they are definitely not safe for work.  Why?  Well, they show basically that her pussy is saggy.  No.  Really.  It seems she has a saggy pussy.  Which only implies that that thing has seen more turnover than AIG.  … Yeah, I know the joke sucks; its all I got right now okay?

Anyway, if you really wanna see saggy panties.  Go for it.  Just remember you can’t unsee it!

Tila Nguyen STILL won’t go away - Okay, Tila Nguyen was #1 on MySpace, got a reality show, got beat up (allegedly), got engaged to a woman (allegedly), her ‘fiancee’ died (that was legit), and now she’s pregnant (allegedly).  I give up with this one, I don’t understand how an elfin little POS like this does everything BUT a sex tape (supposedly one exists).  She truly is the personification of herpes - everytime she goes away (even for a moment) she comes back stronger, more virulent and typical antibiotics are no longer effective against her.  Fuck Swine Flu - we have Hoe Flu (H0-N0 strain).

Joe Jackson wants his ‘tree fitty‘ - Well Michael Jackson’s dad, Joe is still swinging away at the courts trying to get his (undeserved) slice of the pie.  Basically he’s looking for an ‘allowance’ from his son’s estate.  How touching.  I’d suggest that why doesn’t he just slice of pieces of Michael to sell - but, he’d probably think I was serious.

The elder Jackson is kinda like the Loch Ness monster in this case…

Just letting ya know I’m stills alive.  And drunk.  And its fucking wet and cold outside.

…

Sounds like my ex-fiance.

Tiger Woods is on indefinite hiatus from golf.   I give him credit - it takes a loooooong time to remove a golf club from you ass - head first.

Bisexual has-been Aubrey O’Day tries to pick up Samantha Ronson (Lindsay’s ex) - and fails.  Okay here’s a question - what’s worse: going after Lindsay’s sloppy seconds or FAILING to get them?

Three-year-old Suri Cruise in heels.  Meanwhile somewhere in Switzerland, Roman Polanski is counting the days til he gets a ‘photoshoot’ with her.

Kim Kardashian doesn’t know the difference between teeth cleaning and teeth whitening.  Dumb bitch.

Pamela Anderson likes big penises.  Well duh.

Tila Nguyen’s newest love is in already in trouble with the law.  That took what, 30 minutes?

OH - like YOU can tell the difference…

Apparently the Wet Republic (no, really that’s the name of the ‘club’ which is just annex to one of the casinos anyway) needed the ’star power’ of both of them hosting.  And by ‘hosting’ I mean ‘paid to sit around and so people can take pictures of themselves with the Kardashians in the background so they can pathetically say “Yay PaTEEING with Kim K!” (cause that’s the only one those dumb guests know) on Twitter’. 

Of course, while Khloe is doing her best Barney impersonation in that purple tent (or is she doing Grimace?).  Kourtney is ‘enjoy’ pending motherhood (bitch is 5 months pregnant, BTW - at least it ain’t yours).

The five-months’ pregnant star told People mag: “My boobs got huge right away. They got so sore, that if anyone even brushed up near me, I would scream.”

Thus far, the 30-year-old reality TV starlet has gained 10 pounds and she is happily “embracing” the excess weight pregnancy brings. “I feel like it’s such a beautiful thing, that every woman who goes though it, should embrace it,” she adds. “‘I think if you’re naturally skinny, and pregnant, and that’s how your body is, that’s fine. I don’t also want to sit there and eat cheeseburgers all night. I want to do what’s healthy for my baby.” (sauce)

Hmmm, maybe finding out who the daddy is would help the baby?

Anway here’s pics of the two idjits doing their ‘hosting’ duties and their pathetic guests…

BTW, don’t tell me about your tits being sore.  Given the opportunity I’ll run up and make a milk fountain outta her!

…

…

What?  I’M A FUCKING PERVERT!! You guys knew this already, so don’t wuss out on my ass now! 

Oh sorry, my bad - its the Kardashian sisters (well two of them anyway) - Kourtney and Khloe.  Or maybe Kim and Kenisha.  Or Krap and Klod.  Who knows?  Who cares, right?

Actually I kinda feel sorry for Khloe(?); I mean she’s 8 ft tall, weighs somewhere around 400lbs and “women on top” has probably been used as the Cause of Death on her lovers’ death certificates.  I can’t help but think that maybe her mom had a fling with the Jolly Green Giant or something.  Shameful and not tell Sprout he has a sister, tsk tsk!

Luck be a lady tonight…
Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen:  The Game (PopSugar).  I scored 37 out of 50.  Which means two things:  1) I actually viewed 50 pictures of the Olsen twins and thought about which one they were, and 2)  I got most of them right which probably means I had a lobotomy once.  Dammit!

Maxim’s Top 100 is out and … who cares right?  (GoneHollywood) - #100-#51 and #50-#1

Kim Kardashian gets called a fattie on TV (DrunkenStepfather)

Nick Cannon (aka Mr. Mariah Carey) can’t take a fucking joke (TheSuperficial)

Sean Penn is STILL banging Natalie Portman  (Celebslam) … OR IS HE?  (ContactMusic)

Danielle Lloyd goes topless in Nuts (HollywoodTuna) - or nuts for being topless…

Lastly, Lindsay Lohan’s apartment was NOT broken into (WWTDD) - or wait IT WAS! (TheSuperficial)

Our amateur?  Well actually pro-am:  Foxy Jacky looking nice in The Venetian (Las Vegas)

(more…)

:::cracks knuckles:::

Ok - we’ve got a six-pack handy; I don’t go to work til 3 tomorrow and I’m in a bitchy mood.  I’m ready to blog!!

Well Kim Kardashian took to the streets with dirty blond hair the other day and had the whole blogosphere in a tizzy.  While most took the opinion that it looks terrible … I think it actually doesn’t look bad on her.

Don’t get me wrong she still a spoiled, fat-assed, slut; but then again I like my sluts fat-assed (though I could do without the ’spoiled’ part). 

Of course, then she has to ruin all the buzz by saying “Ha HA!  Jokes on you!”

“It’s a wig! Did I have you fooled? I did a fabulous photo shoot this weekend and they put this hair piece on! I haven’t taken it off since, because I’m really loving the look. I’ve been wearing it around New York and everyone thought it was my real hair! It’s making me want to dye my hair and maybe go lighter for the summer. What do you think? Should I dye it for real?” (Kim’s Blog)

I say dye it, but I say dye it red.  Have I mentioned I like redheads, Kim?

Yeah, I shoot raccoons when they’re in my garbage…
So, I’m laying on the bed here typing this up think how just a couple of hours earlier I had this stripper just ri-
WE BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN - UNCA CHAOZ IS DRUNK - I REPEAT - THE UNK IS DRUNK.  ANYTHING HE SAYS WILL PROBABLY NOT SOUND COHERENT.  PLEASE TAKE TEMPORARY SHELTER UNDER THE INTOXICATION HAS SUBSIDED.  WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR CURRENT POST.

- and I still made it home!  Imagine that!  Man that’s a story I couldn’t BEAR to repeat!

Anyhoo, where was I?  Oh yeah.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry, just laughing at Kim Kardashian.  Yeah, I’d do her in a minute but I still find it hilarious when she does stupid shit.  This qualifies.  Seems the little twat forgot that the sun is a “big ball of heat” and what happens if you leave something in the heat too long?  It cooks!  So, she learns this and lets us know about her ‘great’ discovery on Twitter (like I need to know when she takes a shit):

I am so sunburned and need help! I’m in Mexico and I was sunbathing when I fell asleep with my huge Prada butterfly sunglasses on and now look at me! I’m going to have to hide from cameras for days. I usually never get red, I always get dark. It hurts! Do u guys have any remedies I can try to help ease the pain and get rid of the redness?

Everyone here is making fun of me! Look at Reggie’s teammate and friend Bobby starting with the jokes. My whole body is burned but my face looks the worst because of the glasses. I will never wear sunglasses when sunbathing again!

What’s really hilarious about this is she’s not worried about the sudden increased risk of melanoma.  Nope.  She needs to remember to NOT wear sunglasses!    Actually, the best thing to do Kim is to look DIRECTLY at the sun for about an hour.  Don’t blink if at all possible.  This will allow your eyes to become adjusted to sunlight permanently and then you don’t have to wear sunglasses EVER AGAIN!  Really!*

*-forced disclaimer: “doing this will cause blindness”.  Still you won’t need sunglasses.

The Photoshop Diet: Watch those pounds MELT away!!

Well, everyone’s OTHER attention whore, Kim Kardashian graces(?) the pages of Complex Magazine.  Frankly, this is no big deal.  Except for the fact that AnimalNewYork.com snagged an original of Kimmy and compared it to the *ahem* finished product.

it looks like their retouchers did a bunch of work on cover girl Kim Kardashian too. We spotted this image (left) of the talentless starlet this morning in their “web exclusive” gallery (since removed), but by afternoon she was looking a lot better (right).

Now to their credit, they didn’t do too much PSing (like Playboy did with Aubrey O’Day - OMG!).  Other than the smoothing of the skin tone on her legs (from the onset of varicose veins ) the only big change was on her hips.

…

Probably needs to skip supersizing that value meal, no?

Anyway here’s the rest of the photo’s from that shoot (from Complex Magazine)