CelebrityFIST!

… Amanda Seyfried … Hilary Duff … Jennifer Love Hewitt … Paris Hilton … Jon Voight & ‘Bradgelina’

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This is probably why I can’t pick up a woman.  I think if I saw her in real life and I was as blitzed as I am right now (7 beers and counting) I would probably gather enough ‘courage’ say say:

Hia, I think you’re wertty pretty and have bootiful eyebrowsss.  … Cause eyebrows are how you can tell what color your pubes are.

Plus it loosh likes its probably bushy.  But thas okay, I can work wid dat (breaks out Lady Schick razor).

And then its another night back at the pr0n (taps two terabyte drives). 

No really, Chris Brown beat the shit outta Rihanna a while back, now she wears these weird ass clothes and now the cover art’s been released for her upcoming single.  She topless and wrapped in barbed wire.

Let me say that again so it sinks in:  Topless.  Wrapped in barbed wire.  Barbed.  Wire.

Now I am - by nature - a bit of a freak.  Like having sex in a bar - while we engaged in a conversation with our waitress joking about how we looked like we were having sex in front of her.  That’s sorta thing.

But I draw the line on shit that draws blood (aside from the occasional bite and scratch marks).  Granted its Photoshopped and all that but still I can’t help but wonder just how scrambled her brain got while Brown was beating the crap outta her.

And that title: “Russian Roulette“??  Really?  Its like she might be on a kamikaze run or something.

Anyone know the odds for her in the deathpool?
Plus, from personal experience, women who have gotten beaten up generally have more issues than a newsstand.  Great lays; but LOTS of issues.

PINK SMASH!

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Unless she sucks a mean dick and swallows.  Then all bets are off. 

OH - like YOU can tell the difference…

Apparently the Wet Republic (no, really that’s the name of the ‘club’ which is just annex to one of the casinos anyway) needed the ’star power’ of both of them hosting.  And by ‘hosting’ I mean ‘paid to sit around and so people can take pictures of themselves with the Kardashians in the background so they can pathetically say “Yay PaTEEING with Kim K!” (cause that’s the only one those dumb guests know) on Twitter’. 

Of course, while Khloe is doing her best Barney impersonation in that purple tent (or is she doing Grimace?).  Kourtney is ‘enjoy’ pending motherhood (bitch is 5 months pregnant, BTW - at least it ain’t yours).

The five-months’ pregnant star told People mag: “My boobs got huge right away. They got so sore, that if anyone even brushed up near me, I would scream.”

Thus far, the 30-year-old reality TV starlet has gained 10 pounds and she is happily “embracing” the excess weight pregnancy brings. “I feel like it’s such a beautiful thing, that every woman who goes though it, should embrace it,” she adds. “‘I think if you’re naturally skinny, and pregnant, and that’s how your body is, that’s fine. I don’t also want to sit there and eat cheeseburgers all night. I want to do what’s healthy for my baby.” (sauce)

Hmmm, maybe finding out who the daddy is would help the baby?

Anway here’s pics of the two idjits doing their ‘hosting’ duties and their pathetic guests…

BTW, don’t tell me about your tits being sore.  Given the opportunity I’ll run up and make a milk fountain outta her!

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What?  I’M A FUCKING PERVERT!! You guys knew this already, so don’t wuss out on my ass now! 

One of the good ones…

Well a couple of days ago David Carradine died in Bangkok, Thailand.  I would’ve posted about it but was in the middle of a mega-bender that spanned a good day and half and two six-packs of 20 oz. cans of Miller High Life and Lone Star.  AND alternating between the two.

It’s taken me all of Friday just to recover enough to drag my ass to work.

But I digress…

Yup, “Bill” himself David Carradine died and - well, it looks like a decent shitstorm is brewing over it.  See.  It started with people saying it was suicide.  However, this quickly gave way to a “death by misadventure” as noted by the now infamous “rope tied around his neck and genitals”.

However, the shit is REALLY starting to hit as Carradine’s manager

Chuck Binder, Carradine’s manager, tells us he firmly believes Carradine did not take his own life — nor does he think David died accidentally. Binder says the family has been told Carradine’s hands were immobilized by the rope.

Carradine was found by a hotel maid Thursday morning with a rope tied around his neck and another around his genitals in a Bangkok hotel room. (TMZ)

This was subsequently chimed in by Carradine’s attorney.

Just recently, RadarOnline sent out this exclusive where a Thai tabloid published a “death photo” of Carradine:

David Carradine’s family is horrified that a photo has been published that shows the dead actor hanging, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.

A tabloid newspaper in Thailand published the photo Saturday, shadowing much of the body, but still showing explicit details of the death scene.

The shocking published photo shows Carradine with his hands tied in front of him, hanging from the support bar in a closet.

Tattoos on the lower half of his nude body can be seen.

Discoloration of the skin on the lower extremities indicates he had been dead for hours before being found, according to people familiar with the situation.

First of all, my deepest condolences to the Carradine family.  Second, personally if his hands were tied I’m having a tough time imagining how he could’ve done this by himself.  Third, we all know that Thai police are above ANY type of bribery so what they’re saying MUST be true.  Right?

Yeah, get your umbrella, this is gonna get messy.

How’s it hangin’?

Apparently while we weren’t looking Katie Price (aka Jordan, I don’t know why) went out had a penis attached to her.  She apparently leans to the left now and will no doubt be making videos in Brazil soon.  I have no idea where this is from - no doubt some sorta Ladyboy Paegent in England.  Pervs those Limeys. 

BTW, I went ahead and posted some pics of her when she was still a woman just so you could contrast the differences - kinda amazing how the surgeon was able to make these changes.  Good job, Dr. Feelgood!

While I recover from my drinking last night, you get to watch some videos I raided from YouTube.  Enjoy! (more…)

Oh yeah baby show me that pretty mouth!  Uh, you too Phoebe…

Meet Phoebe Price.  She’s a reality ’star’.  I think.  Or maybe a pornstar.  Or a net model.  Come to think of it, I have no freakin’ idea what she does.  Not a clue.  The only things I do know about her is:

1. She’s a redhead
2. She has freckles
3. I want to fuck her

Now, that said I’d like to pass on some advice to the intrepid photographer who I’m sure tried his best to get sexy poses from Phoebe while at Cannes:  Dude, when taking a picture; notice what’s in THE FUCKIN’ BACKGROUND!!!

There really isn’t too many ways to fuck up a bikini shoot.  At long as your model is some level of semi-hotness; you too can look like you take badass pictures.  But this?  Mmm, nope.  This shows that not only were you not able to afford to reserve someplace to take the pictures, but you also look like you’re taking pictures of your hot sister for your Myspace page - and that’s just wrong.

Jessica Alba: the gift you can keep on taking…
This is how observant I’ve been.  As I go sifting through all the BS posts to find the good stuff to post here; I tend to put stuff in reserve (for future GGs, Chaozbabes, etc).  These got put in the reserved pile several times as I keep distilling the posts down to a few.

When I finally got to looking at the pics I kinda dropped my jaw.  Granted it’s just Alba’s asscrack.  But I seriously don’t recall her tattoo being a “gift bow”!

Now, perhaps I’m reading a little too deep here but I think this is an obvious example of her “giftwrapping her ass”.  So the question becomes how often does her “ass box” get opened?  Once a year?  Once a month?  Once a WEEK?!

Hmm, maybe that’s why she’s always wearing sweats.  My girl-friends say anal hurts like hell for about a day and worse in tight clothing (hey, I like to keep up with the latest techniques that work ya know; and lets face it - us men really don’t know shit about what women like).

So what do you think?  She take it up the Hershey Highway?