CelebrityFIST!

NOTE - We now return to your snarking enjoyment

You gotta love the Net.  You find the weirdest shit sometimes.

Take for example these alleged pictures of Eva Longoria from Citizen K Magazine; which is apparently Russian.  I say ‘alleged’ because they don’t thing one like her but are indeed her.  While I’m guessing she’s trying to channel Louise Brooks she looks more cartoony than anything else.

Of course, maybe its supposed to be Franklin Roosevelt (judging from the last pic). 

Now available in 100-calorie packs.
At the risk of pissing off her hubby, Tony Parker; I would SO do Eva Longoria as she looks in these pics.  Yeah, yeah, I know - Photoshopped cleaned and pressed (from GQ Mexico, Jun 09).  Don’t care.  Short women do give great sex (but then again so do average women, tall women, etc).  (more…)

For those 2 or 3 who read this blog, you know I’ve been out for quite some time, since then - quite has happened in the world at large…

…I…can’t…think of anything right now, but I’m sure you can Google something. Anyway…

I’ve decided to put up some stuff on specific people rather than try to right 14 different articles for one person on all the crap they’ve done. Also, I’m just concentrating on the last month; just so I can keep my sanity. Cool? Good.

So, first off we have Eva Longoria-Parker. Why start with her? Well, you gotta start somewhere right?

Well, some pics of her WAAY back in January (I think). Not a bad set of legs … for a fake midget (hereby dubbed “fidget”).

Apparently she’s also still(?) a spokesmodel for Bebe Kids Sport.  She doesn’t look bad in these

Somehow the ‘big’ scandal recently was that she was a model(!) - not even a nude one.  My dear, I’m getting the vapors!

So instead, let’s enjoy the fact that she’s got dark nipples (which will turn into burnt pepperoni slices once she has a kid).

Finally, some promo pics for her upcoming season of Desperate Housewives where she apparently is now a frumpy MILF or ELF or something.

I could achieve that position in my dreams.  NOT!

This is something more a “local” flavor so pardon me in advance.  From ContactMusic:

EVA LONGORIA-PARKER is so desperate to have babies with husband TONY PARKER, the couple are “practicing” like crazy. After swatting away rumours of Parker’s infidelity just weeks after their wedding, the actress insists the couple are smitten - but she laughs off reports she is already pregnant. She says, “We’ve got big families. I can’t wait and we’re practicing a lot. But I’m not pregnant. If I was I would singing it from the rooftops.”

In “unrelated news”, Tony Parker is out indefinitely with a bone spur in his left heel.

Um, aside from the irony of a Spur being taken out by a spur … Tony, you and Eva need to stick to normal positions.  Shit, cut down the trapeze and stay on the fuckin’ bed next time, okay?

Eva Longoria (actual size)

Well, many were wondering when this was gonna happen - especially me.

Tony Parker has apparently had enough of X17’s attempt to start a cheating scandal with model Alexandra Paressant. His response? A $20 million lawsuit. Sacre bleu! (or is that “soccer blue”? I forget which.) From TMZ:

In the lawsuit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, Parker alleges X17 defamed him, claiming, “X17 had to know that the story was false, or at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source.”

X17 published stories that French model Alexandra Paressant had “an affair with Mr. Eva Longoria and that the two carried on a secret relationship for about two months.”

The San Antonio Spur seems particularly pissed that X17 never sought to “verify the information with Mr. Parker, Ms. Longoria, any of their representatives or….anyone else who might have knowledge of the truth or falsity of the allegations.”

The suit states, “Tony Parker has never had sexual relations with a woman named Alexandra Paressant.”

This is what you get for making stuff up on a slow news day, eh?

RANT TIME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - SO I GIVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SKIP THIS ONE…

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We here at Chaoz Central like asses.  Nice round ones that stick out.  The type ripple ever so slightly when you give a good healthy slap (but don’t wobble like melting jello).  You know the ones.  Anyway, Eva Longoria’s got one.  Now I realize she’s a midget, but if you think about it that means an average sized ass is gonna look smokin’ on her.

Plus you have to respect that fact that she knows exactly how to show it off - nice dark leggings.  However, points are deducted because she’s either got gigantic feet or they don’t make those boots in kid sizes and she just had to have them.

It should also be noted that she’s not wearing her gargantuan wedding ring in these pics.  Trouble so soon or maybe she’s afraid her hand will start dragging on the floor?