CelebrityFIST!

Pamela Anderson learns not to fuck with Uncle Sam.  Of course, too bad she didn’t learn that with Tommy Lee before she got The Hep.  (OOPS!)  Actually, to be truthful she owes California that (so actually “Uncle Ahnald”) and its about half a million dollars.  Wow.  Who knew a washed up, diseased hoe could earn enough to OWE that much.  Oh wait - never mind, “California” - got it.

Holly Madison gets a ‘bobblehead’ of her own.  With the start of this year’s baseball season (a sport which I stopped caring about around 1979); everyone needed a ‘notable’ to throw the first pitch.  Appropriately, the Las Vegas 51’s (named after Area 51 - the so-called secret alien housing unit) picked someone not quite of this planet to throw out the first pitch.  And they also gave out bobbleheads of their “guest of honor”:  Holly Madison.  Tru-fact - the bobblehead contains the same percentage of plastic as the ACTUAL Holly!  How’s THAT for engineering!

Larry King is an old fucking idiot.  I say that not outta jealousy since he’s been married (and soon to be divorced) eight times whereas I’m still waiting to get married once.  Nope.  He’s an idiot because he not only cheats on his wife.  He cheats on her with HER SISTER.  Plus - he HAD NO GODDAMN FUCKING PRENUP!!  (facepalms)  As Charlie Sheen is alleged to have said - “You don’t pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave in the morning.”  In the long run that’s better than HALF YOUR SHIT.

[quick sidebar: Forgot to mention but I bought a 12-pack tonight and currently on #10.  So if I fall asleep suddenly - well you know.]

Sigourney Weaver is a dude.  And a sexist one at that since she says the reason her svengali James “Kirk” Cameron “Mitchell” lost the Oscar for Best Picture (Avatar) to the winner (The Hurt Locker) was because the director was a woman.  … What?  For the record, I started watching Avatar - got a phone call and walked out of the theater - didn’t go back in.  Frankly, its boring as shit drying.  Sorry.  It’s kinda like a porn star - great for about 15 minutes but do you really wanna stick around 2.5 hours?

Aw fuck - I’m too drunk to finish it.

Hey at least I’m honest!!

Targets Acquired: Victoria’s Secret … Jesse James … Shauna Sand … Kim Kardashian … Ke$ha

Hot Models In The Kiddie Pool, Everybody IN!  In the pool that is, sorry.  Apparently in order to celebrate something, Victoria Secret got models Miranda Kerr, Candice Swanepoel, & Alessandra Ambrosio to stand in a kiddie pool wearing cut off shorts and bikini tops.  Frankly, I would’ve chosen a banana-split eating contest (with MY banana) but hey, this comes kinda close right? 

Jesse James Is A Dick and Sandra Bullock Is Stupid.  Sorry Sandy but c’mon, he was schtupping 4 other women while you took care of his kids??  Da-amn girl you got taken for a ride and a half and didn’t even get a t-shirt!  Seriously, Sandy, call me we’ll “talk”. 

Shauna Sand went to the beach - again.  Seriously, clear stripper heels cannot be a good way of instilling family values on your children.  … Of course the “sex talk” is gonna be VERRRRRRY interesting.  What?  Look it was the best I could do.  Behave or I’ll POST Shauna Sand pics?  What then, huh??

Reggie Brown may have cheated on Kim Kardashian.  OH HORRORS!! :shocked:  Okay, maybe not.  C’mon lets just talk about the real issue here.  Kim won’t let Reggie piss on.  She let Ray J, but she was young and stupid (like what a whole year ago?) and now she’s well older and still stupid.  But not stupid enough to get pissed on twice!  No sirree bob!  Besides I’m sure Reggie would go up to kiss Kim and say “Honey, did the cat mark its territory on you again?”

Ke$ha has a saggy diaper that leaks.  Well it does at the beach.   Gotta love those fat rolls, too.  Sister, I can tell you something - THAT bikini bottom is as flattering to you as a speedo would be for me.  :puke:

Okay, not “fuck you” specifically, but just a general “fuck you” to those who I help out and then when I need some fuckin’ help or even just a sounding fuckin’ board - nada, nothing, zip.  Yeah, friends are only as good as far as you can throw them.

…

Guess that means I need midgets as friends now. 

Michael Lohan had a heart attack.  Ah, poor thing.  Fortunately, he’s still alive so hopefully with God’s grace and with blessing of the heavens he can one day still see his beloved daughter Lindsay taking a good load of my splooge in her ass while Ali takes notes on technique.

(no I’m not a happy camper today, why do you ask?)

Kim Kardashian thinks she’s an ACTUAL celebrity.  This is a hoot because apparently, she’s ‘in negotiations’ to stay on her own reality show.  Sweetie.  Two words:  GOLDEN SHOWER.  Seriously, if I ever find that shit; I’m seeding that like goddamn dandelion.  On the other hand she could sell “Kim K” dolls with “Ray J”-pissing action.  Ken never got off like that from Barbie, that’s for damn sure.

I will attempt to FUCK Sandra Bullock.  No really.  I will try to lose some weight over the next coupla weeks.  Cut my hair.  Trim ‘down there’.  Because even Jesse James (the dumbass ‘reality mechanic’ not the deceased gunslinger) decided to fuck around on Sandra “I bet she swallows” Bullock.  Not only that, she takes care of HIS kid (from a pornstar) and the woman he cheated with had tattoos.  Not that tattoos are bad but her ink SUCKS.  Seriously, I could make a reasonable play.  If I do, pictures will be involved.  Promised. 

Mischa Barton will suck cock for pasta.  No really.  Apparently she’s so hungry she’ll eat groceries before they’re rung up AND her card gets declined.  So make sure you unzip and throw you’re limp linguini out there.  If you feel a sucking sensation that just might be Mischa Barton!  Or the ghost of Michael Jackson.  Either or.

….

That’s all I got for now.  #17 has decided to play the ‘forgiveness’ card (i.e.: “I forgive you for disliking me”).

OH

HELL

TO

THE

FUCK

NO.

… excuse me, please …

Yeah, remember how I wouldn’t post anything else on Tiger Woods?  Yeah, I lied.  Not intentionally, and nothing of note.  These are ‘re-creations’ of Tiger’s accident and his fucking around.  I have no clue what their talking about (its in Chinese) but all I know is Alex Rodriguez is involved and Tiger apparently liked to spank women’s asses (see video 3).  To me this is just fucking hilarious!  Enjoy! (more…)

Now, in theory since this is (or was, apparently) a celebrity gossip blog; I should be all over this shit with Tiger Woods and his 1 2 3 4 6 9 10 mistresses.  Let me be as succinct as I can about this: (more…)

Okay, maybe not.

Anyway, a TV station in Taiwan decided to animate what could have possibly happened the night Tiger Woods decided to bounce his SUV off a fire hydrant and hit a tree.

Personally I think it had nothing to do with allegedly messing around with various women, having an altercation with his wife and crashing into said hydrant and tree as a consequence.

I think he was testing those front-end safety ratings for his next commercial.  Really.

Absolutely.

I was hoping for some giant robot to pop out or a bunch of big-breasted Asians to pop out but alas there were none to be found.  Silly, how else can you get those web hits?

Well it all started with this blind item (boldface mine):

CDAN - This former A list always movie actress still considers herself A list even though in reality she is about D. She does have A list name recognition and was the star of one of the most famous movies of all time. Not highest grossing, just one of the most famous. Anyway, she is not known for her quiet demeanor and when she has a drink or seven can get rather nasty. Recently she got into a fight with her current boy toy and during the argument threw a glass or two or three at her toy. Well, on one of her throws she missed and hit an original Picasso she has hanging on her wall. The painting was shredded by the glass as it shattered as well as the beverage she had inside. Of course she told her insurance company it fell during a mild earthquake and landed on a glass table beneath the painting, shattering the table and damaging the painting. (Blindgossip)

Of course, there were wild guesses UNTIL a reader on the site (by the name “Heywood Jablowme”) put up this little ditty:

It’s Sharon Stone and here’s the poof! Read down about 3/4 of the way.

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/a-night-with-sharon-stone-1328574.html

So, I go read that and lo and behold:

Before he knew it, David was admiring what looked like a Picasso inside a “mock French chateau”. Sharon, barefoot and without make-up, wearing a cut-off black top and silk trousers, greeted him. Several other guests, including Sharon’s current beau, her sister, and Stuart, the celebrity shrink, had already arrived.

“Is that a real one?” David joked, pointing at the Picasso. “It better be,” Sharon shot back. “Or I’ve been screwed.”

Screwed?  Yeah, lets go with that word, eh?

Hulk Hogan - oh wait - no… that’s right.

There many different ways to react to getting a divorce, being kicked out the house, and your spouse spending mad amounts of money.  Lots of ways…

This is NOT a smart one, though:

HULK Hogan is sounding homicidal over the way his wife Linda dumped him, forced him out of his $18 million mansion, allegedly started spending his money at the rate of $40,000 a month and dating “some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior,” Rolling Stone reports. “I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody’s throat,” he told the magazine. “You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it.” He and Linda are battling it out in a Florida divorce court, where Linda’s attorney claims she’s entitled to use the car and that Hogan’s claims against her are merely an attempt to control her love life. (NYPost)

Of course, it should be noted that OJ was found innocent of those crimes.  … I mean he did it (most likely) but he was found innocent. 

Hulk - you may wanna talk to your lawyer.  Today’s word - PREMEDITATION.

Suspicously, her husband thinks her back needs to be hairier

Well the ’supposed’ big news surrounding Leann Rimes right now is that the reason she’s cheating on her husband (Dean Sheremet) is cuz her hubby has ‘teh ghey’.  Apparently this was verified by Dean’s ‘cousin Pebbles’:

After a woman identifying herself as Dean Sheremet’s “cousin Pebbles” phoned Michigan’s Mojo in the Morning show Friday and dished about their marriage and his sexuality, LeAnn Rimes’s rep tells Usmagazine.com: “There is no known cousin Pebbles.”

On the radio, the so-called “Pebbles ” declared that Sheremet “doesn’t care” that Rimes had an affair with her TV movie costar Eddie Cibrian because “he’s gay.” The woman also added, “He’s been gay since he was probably five.”

And Leann’s rep had a suitable response:

“Although Dean and LeAnn never knew they had a cousin named Pebbles, they are glad to hear that she has come out of the woodwork,” he says. “Dean and LeAnn are also interested in connecting with their other long lost family members: Fred, Wilma, Barney and Bamm-Bamm. So Pebbles, please let us know if you have spoken to them, too.” (Ibid.)

Okay, I’ll admit it - this news is boring as dried old shit.  She’s a beard?  Big deal.  Won’t be the first (or last).  The only reason I posted this though is because I find it funny how it’s all over the blog-o-sphere (which means its a REAL slow news day) and how this is probably just to hype up Rimes upcoming movie.  Hey it worked for Brad and Angelina, right?

Eh, to make up for it here’s some nice pics of Leann who really should no better than to marry a gay guy.

Adnan’s wife - no, really.

Apparently, the - uh, “romance” - between Britney and Adnan Whatever is heating up.  So much so that his wife is now saying he refuses to allow him to marry the Swamp Thang.  Yeah, this making less sense by the day.

The estranged wife of BRITNEY SPEARS’ paparazzo boyfriend ADNAN GHALIB is adamant he will not wed the troubled star - because she forbids it. American model and beautician AzLynn Berry has been hiding in her parents’ Los Angeles home since her photographer husband began romancing the Toxic hitmaker after meeting in December. But the 28-year-old has vowed to initiate a difficult divorce battle if Ghalib wants to end their marriage. She told U.S. entertainment news show Access Hollywood, “The only way he’ll marry her is over my dead body. “We were living together as man and wife when he started romancing Britney. I believed he was purely working and he was trying to win her confidence for a photoshoot.” Berry, who is still legally married to Ghalib, threw the photographer out of their marital home when she found out about his infidelity. She adds, “It’s been reported that ours was a marriage of convenience to help him get his green card but that’s simply not true. He’s broken my heart and I haven’t stopped crying for two weeks. “But he’s living on the same fantasy planet as her if they think they’ll be walking down the aisle any time soon.” (source)

I’m still at the stage where I’m figuring out what’s worse.  That Britney would pork a sleazy paparazzi photog;  or that the photog actually porked a piggy like Britney.  This is almost as bad as reading Courtney Love’s blog…

Also, I’ve officially decided that Adnan is “going for the money” because while his wife is not exactly a stunner; I’d still pick her over the sow with two piglets.  >oink<>oink<