CelebrityFIST!

Okay, not “fuck you” specifically, but just a general “fuck you” to those who I help out and then when I need some fuckin’ help or even just a sounding fuckin’ board - nada, nothing, zip.  Yeah, friends are only as good as far as you can throw them.

…

Guess that means I need midgets as friends now. 

Michael Lohan had a heart attack.  Ah, poor thing.  Fortunately, he’s still alive so hopefully with God’s grace and with blessing of the heavens he can one day still see his beloved daughter Lindsay taking a good load of my splooge in her ass while Ali takes notes on technique.

(no I’m not a happy camper today, why do you ask?)

Kim Kardashian thinks she’s an ACTUAL celebrity.  This is a hoot because apparently, she’s ‘in negotiations’ to stay on her own reality show.  Sweetie.  Two words:  GOLDEN SHOWER.  Seriously, if I ever find that shit; I’m seeding that like goddamn dandelion.  On the other hand she could sell “Kim K” dolls with “Ray J”-pissing action.  Ken never got off like that from Barbie, that’s for damn sure.

I will attempt to FUCK Sandra Bullock.  No really.  I will try to lose some weight over the next coupla weeks.  Cut my hair.  Trim ‘down there’.  Because even Jesse James (the dumbass ‘reality mechanic’ not the deceased gunslinger) decided to fuck around on Sandra “I bet she swallows” Bullock.  Not only that, she takes care of HIS kid (from a pornstar) and the woman he cheated with had tattoos.  Not that tattoos are bad but her ink SUCKS.  Seriously, I could make a reasonable play.  If I do, pictures will be involved.  Promised. 

Mischa Barton will suck cock for pasta.  No really.  Apparently she’s so hungry she’ll eat groceries before they’re rung up AND her card gets declined.  So make sure you unzip and throw you’re limp linguini out there.  If you feel a sucking sensation that just might be Mischa Barton!  Or the ghost of Michael Jackson.  Either or.

….

That’s all I got for now.  #17 has decided to play the ‘forgiveness’ card (i.e.: “I forgive you for disliking me”).

OH

HELL

TO

THE

FUCK

NO.

… excuse me, please …

Apologies for not being around for the last oh 5 days.  Not that anyone noticed except the 5 of you who show up (and if you read this thanks for sticking around).  Anyhoo, Sunday (despite me sounding like a drunk) I ate some leftover pizza.  No biggie.

Monday, I ate the same leftover pizza - which I forgot to refrigerate the entire time.  Then the state regulatory guys came by to check out the place (normal procedure but always come by unannounced).  This left my stomach turning.

Tuesday, had inventory, and crappy stomach and difficult keeping anything.  After inventory, went to the strip club, got shit faced (because I’m a fucking lunatic) and taught a lesbian how to give a blowjob (because I’m fucking twisted like that).  Went home threw up passed out.

Wednesday, barely made it to work (still puking and squirting).

Yesterday was off (thank god) - friend gave me some stuff he had for said pukes and squirts

Today, feeling a little better.  I can only assume that I had some sorta food poisoning - coupled with alcohol intoxication, exhaustion, and stress.

… God I love life. 

Anyway, I’m not dead - I’m getting better.  But not wanting you all to be left out I decided to give a video metaphor on how I felt.  So the closest I could find was Kirsten Dunst singing “Turning Japanese“.  I kinda like the video (which of course means I’m still not well yet) - but I’m sure you’ll find her singing to be puke-inducing.  Enjoy!(?)

ALOT

Note to self: keep a box of well polished zirconias in glove compartment

Obviously dude saw this on Family Guy:

Apparently God has decided to smite Tila Nguyen for not offing herself a few weeks back (like she promised) and has given her a nasty case of titty warts*.  She accidentally showed off her titty warts at Snoop Dogg’s release party.  Apparently also at this party Tila is now ‘engaged’ to the heiress of the Johnson & Johnson fortune.

Tila Tequila Nguyen has been known for her public stunts – and her possible latest took place last night on her uStream account where she announced her engagement to Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. “This is exclusive and going to be all over the news tomorrow, but because I love you guys so much, we are giving you the exclusive first — Tila army fans — tonight, my girlfriend has asked me to marry her!” she said in her video post. (sauce)

BTW, Casey is the blonde Tila is canoodling with in these pics.  Yeah, that’ll actually happen.  The board would ship Tila to a Nike shoe factory in Vietnam before having the ‘marriage’ happen.

And yeah, I SO fuckin’ went there.

*-yes I know about the glands of Montgomery…

Yes, I know I’m not helping.  And yes, there are far more attractive women than her.  And more sexy.  And more intelligent.  And more talented.  And more sober.  And more healthy.  And smell less like a tobacco processing plant. (more…)

I did not know this:

Porn star JANINE LINDEMULDER has reached out to SANDRA BULLOCK in a desperate bid to end the pair’s public battle over TV daredevil JESSE JAMES‘ five-year-old daughter.
James and Bullock were given primary custody of his child by Lindemulder at the beginning of 2009 when she was jailed for tax evasion, and the adult film star has been fighting to get her daughter back ever since her release.
In court on Monday (07Dec09), a judge denied a request to expand visitation rights to James’ ex-wife, but allowed her to spend Christmas Eve (24Dec09) and Christmas morning (25Dec09) with her daughter, Sunny.
Lindemulder has weekly visitation rights with her daughter but only during daylight hours. (sauce) (more…)

Well for the last two days I’ve been enjoying my new HDTV (and my first one too - I’ve joined the 21st Century!!) so sorry about that.  Did you know that they make TV’s bigger than 20″ screens??  I didn’t!  Okay I did - its just that I am what you would call a cheap ass when it comes to electronics.  Oh sure I’ll spend dough trying to get into some chick’s pants (or trying to get her to do the reverse) but electronics?  Nah, not really.  That’s why I’m on my third laptop in 8 years.

…though that could be from all the terabytes of downloading…

I have a saying “Q&D” which is “quick and dirty”.  Just get me something that will get me from ‘need’ to ’satisfaction’.  So why the splurge?  Well, a relative called me out on my cheapness since we spend Xmas at my house and its in front of the previous dinky television.  Granted its still only a ‘medium’ TV (36″) but its the largest that fits in my video center so.

And speaking of “quick and dirty” (see there was a point to all that  ) here’s Lady Gaga enjoying her balcony.  Unfortunately, she’s making us enjoy it with her in a see thru shirt.  Now mind you, she’s 23 (purportedly) - those boobs look far more … mature than her age.  Keep them sagging, Gags!!

I never thought I’d say this but - I think I liked it better when Miley Cyrus was that stupid Hannah Montana on tour and not this jailbait ho.   Shit I don’t want my kids to see her like this … and I don’t even have kids!

(old man voice)

Back in my day, sonny; we used to know our whores were at least legal - AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY! (spits into spitoon).

Well, here are more pics and - if you enjoy them - uh, I don’t wanna know m’kay?  Ok.

I’ve been following this garbage for a few days and haven’t posted it because - eh, its boring.

Until now! (more…)

NOT Tila, but an amazing simulation!
Our unofficial whore mascot, Tila Nguyen, has gotten into some trouble again.  As you may recall, some one broke into her house and said they killed her on her Twitter (no dice).  Then invaded YouTube with her pitiful ‘tease videos’ (after promising to lie low for a while).  This time it seems even the people she fucks loves are fed up with her.

Reality TV star TILA TEQUILA (my edit - C.)’s American football star boyfriend SHAWNE MERRIMAN was arrested on Sunday morning over allegations he choked and forcibly restrained the model.  Police responded to the home of the San Diego Chargers player, 25, following a 911 call at 3:45 a.m. local time.  The internet pin-up, real name Tila Nguyen, signed a complaint against her beau at the scene and was taken to the local Pomerado Hospital for treatment.

Merriman was taken into custody and is accused of battery and false imprisonment. His bail is set at $58,000.

A lawyer for Merriman has denied all charges against his sportstar client, insisting he was simply trying to prevent an “extremely inebriated” Tequila from travelling home when he didn’t deem it safe for her to do so.
No further details regarding the model’s condition were available as WENN went to press.
The pair have been dating since July (09). (sauce)

Uh-huh.

See this is why it never pays to help a person out if they’re drunk.  I should know having been in that state more times than I can recall (really).  Wanna stay outta trouble and have fun?  Take their keys and toss’em in a vacant lot and then videotape said drunk desperately trying to find them as they call you ever profanity they learned since grade school all the while they’re stumbling and falling over.   Then post that shit on YouTube.

…

What?  No lesson here.  Just wanna see some funny shit is all.