CelebrityFIST!

Kevin does “The Truffle Shuffle” to sexify the ladies.

Okay, I can safely say I’m glad I’m not shaped like Kevin Federline.  Holy fuck.  How many extra-value meals do you have to eat to get that fuckin’ fat?  I mean, I’m overweight but goddamn at least I can see my dick when I suck in my gut ya know?

I don’t care if he’s getting child-support/leech money from Britney.  I also don’t give a shit that he’s fucking his hot girlfriend/golddigger Victoria Prince.  He’s so fucking fat he’ll die before I do - and I’ve got at least a decade on his fat ass.

Plus just from an economic standpoint:  can you imagine how much he has to bribe that chick just to fuck him?  Hell, blowing him must be like keeping a leaking air mattress inflated - gotta look for the blowhole and shit.
So at least be glad you’re not as fat as Federline.  Unless you are.  Which case - um, I’ve got nothing.  Sorry. 

OH - like YOU can tell the difference…

Apparently the Wet Republic (no, really that’s the name of the ‘club’ which is just annex to one of the casinos anyway) needed the ’star power’ of both of them hosting.  And by ‘hosting’ I mean ‘paid to sit around and so people can take pictures of themselves with the Kardashians in the background so they can pathetically say “Yay PaTEEING with Kim K!” (cause that’s the only one those dumb guests know) on Twitter’. 

Of course, while Khloe is doing her best Barney impersonation in that purple tent (or is she doing Grimace?).  Kourtney is ‘enjoy’ pending motherhood (bitch is 5 months pregnant, BTW - at least it ain’t yours).

The five-months’ pregnant star told People mag: “My boobs got huge right away. They got so sore, that if anyone even brushed up near me, I would scream.”

Thus far, the 30-year-old reality TV starlet has gained 10 pounds and she is happily “embracing” the excess weight pregnancy brings. “I feel like it’s such a beautiful thing, that every woman who goes though it, should embrace it,” she adds. “‘I think if you’re naturally skinny, and pregnant, and that’s how your body is, that’s fine. I don’t also want to sit there and eat cheeseburgers all night. I want to do what’s healthy for my baby.” (sauce)

Hmmm, maybe finding out who the daddy is would help the baby?

Anway here’s pics of the two idjits doing their ‘hosting’ duties and their pathetic guests…

BTW, don’t tell me about your tits being sore.  Given the opportunity I’ll run up and make a milk fountain outta her!

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What?  I’M A FUCKING PERVERT!! You guys knew this already, so don’t wuss out on my ass now! 

Toughest part of ‘Fridge Raider’?

Keeping her skinny enough to move to the next level.

Ooookay, I’m joking.

Actually I saw these posted and the one person put down “she looks really good”. 

Huh?  Look, I’m not one of those idiots that just fucks girls that look so anorexic that they’re willing to suck my dick just to get the protein out.

I mean I DO.  But I like thick girls too.  Except this one who actually had the ‘balls’ to tell me that semen had like a thousand calores per ejaculate so she didn’t give head for that reason; because she’d gain weight.
SAY WHAT?

Look, I tell you why you’re chunky.  QUIT SUPERSIZING (sorry “LARGE-sizing“) that Value Meal!!  Don’t blame my man-milk on that shit.  Hell, why we’re at it.  If you’re gonna blame sperm on that shit; HOW MANY GALLONS OF THAT SHIT DID YOU SWALLOW IN HIGH SCHOOL, BITCH?

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But I digress…

I like chunky girls too.  The point is that if you ARE chunky; um, you probably don’t wanna go around wearing pants that look like you tore through them - literally.  Especially if you’re a has-been child star whose best days are behind her and the best you can hope for in the near future is VH1 ‘celebreality’ shows and the ‘leaked’ sex tape. 

Poor Kirstie Alley, I really feel bad for her.  Thin, fat, kinda-thin, mega-fat, kinda-thin, mega-fat.  It’s not healthy over the long term.  I think part of the problem though maybe her eating habits.  She told Oprah Winfrey:

“We look around. We see what we want,” says Alley, 58. “Don’t you look around and see what you want to look like? I’m, like, ‘Look, Michelle Obama’s guns. I could have those arms,’ ” she says. “I don’t know about the legs.”

???

Kirstie honey, eating people is bad!  Bad Kirstie!  Don’t you know that people nowadays are obese and have a lot of fat!  Now granted you’re thinking you can limit yourself to just her arms; but we know you.  Soon, you’re putting ketchup on those legs and who knows when you’ll stop!  Plus - its cannibalism is still illegal.  I think.  Can’t tell nowadays in this fast changing world of ours.

Um, what?  … She’s talking about fitness?  Oh.  Hmm.  Well that’s different (for her anyway)!

Having turned her home gym into a dining room, “I thought, ‘You know what I need? You know what I haven’t had a lot of? I haven’t had a lot of dinner parties and company,’ ” says Alley.(People.com)

I think she’s doing this weight loss thing wrong.  It should be “dining room to home gym”.  So maybe she is talking about eating Michelle Obama.  

The Photoshop Diet: Watch those pounds MELT away!!

Well, everyone’s OTHER attention whore, Kim Kardashian graces(?) the pages of Complex Magazine.  Frankly, this is no big deal.  Except for the fact that AnimalNewYork.com snagged an original of Kimmy and compared it to the *ahem* finished product.

it looks like their retouchers did a bunch of work on cover girl Kim Kardashian too. We spotted this image (left) of the talentless starlet this morning in their “web exclusive” gallery (since removed), but by afternoon she was looking a lot better (right).

Now to their credit, they didn’t do too much PSing (like Playboy did with Aubrey O’Day - OMG!).  Other than the smoothing of the skin tone on her legs (from the onset of varicose veins ) the only big change was on her hips.

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Probably needs to skip supersizing that value meal, no?

Anyway here’s the rest of the photo’s from that shoot (from Complex Magazine)

Little do they know she’s lifted $50K in jewelry.  It’s for a part, ya know.
Well first a belated Happy Birthday to Jennifer Love Hewitt who turned 30 on Saturday.  The Big 3-0.  Well, kinda big in this case.  So she decided to apparently celebrate it by having Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  How cute.  You know, JLH that that croissant (breakfast burrito?) is gonna go straight to your hips.  OH NOES! Too late. 

Seriously, she’s got birthing hips like Octomom.  How many kids has JLH had anyway?  Four?  Nine?  …. NONE?!  Gedafukout!

You can almost hear the stage shake…
Well, a few days ago I posted a pic of Jessica and noted that she was getting mighty chunky needing two belts.  Well, now I posted that and all hell’s broken loose over that!  (Alright, maybe not; but it’s my fantasy and I’ll live it MY way! )

It seems that Kim Kardashian and Heidi Klum (those titans of fitness and health) have come to the defense of poor Jessica.  Stating that she’s not fat at all!

First, The Ass Kim Kardashian:

No stranger herself to barbs about her own curvy physique, Kardashian says, “It doesn’t really bother me anymore. I love curves. Being super skinny just isn’t attractive to me. When I saw that picture, I knew everyone was going to say something. And I thought, ‘You know what? Leave Jessica alone!’ She’s fabulous, she’s a really sweet girl, and I admire her for putting up with it.” (People)

I’m assuming she means “putting up” with all that extra fat on her body…

Meanwhile, Heidi Klum has decided to chime in as well:

“I think everyone should be the way they feel comfortable,” Klum told People.com on Thursday night. “When you are in the public eye, people will always talk about you and put their opinions on you.

But people need to be happy with the way they are.”  With a slight whiff of irony, the Web site points out that Klum voiced her support while mentoring an entourage of pencil-thin models at a trendy West Hollywood party. (Chicago Tribune)

Well, I concede I’m fat.  So I should know what fat is right?  Well, she ain’t fat in those terms.  She IS chunky though and probably needs to lose a couple of pounds.

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HOWEVER, if people like Kim and Heidi are going to get defensive for her.  Fuck it.  Then she IS fat.  She’s probably taking diet tips from that chubby chick from Heart (Ann or Nancy, I forget which).

Now that I think about it - I didn’t realize they made denim in “Industrial Strength”.  Plus, that’s an AWFUL lot of stitching and lot fabric added on.  Additional support perhaps, hmm?

… Yeah, I’m a dick like that.

Gallery courtesy of IDLYTW: