CelebrityFIST!

Today has NOT been a good day.  No details but suffice to say I’m about to drink a beer I’ve never had before.  64 ounces for $2.49, that’s all I cared about (960ml, give or take for you metric folks).  I need quantity not quality today.

How could this day get any shittier? (more…)

HOLYSWEETJESUSFUCKINGSHIT! WHATTHEFUCKHAPPENED! OMYGODMYEYESTHEYBURNTHEYBURN!

(45 minutes later)

*pant* *pant* Okay, Chaoz, you can do this….  *deep breath*

AGH! AGH! MY GOD WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!! RIP MY EYES FROM THY SKULL!!!

(another 45 minutes later - and thoroughly medicated)

No seriously dude - I don’t care if Laetitia Casta’s pregnant.  How do you go from being one of the hottest women ever to something children will try to push back into the sea?  Dear God, I THINK I SEE ITS HEAD AND ITS WINKING AT ME!  AGH! AGGGH! (I wonder if she still takes in the ass though?)  AGGGGGH!

More preggo pics underneath - IF YOU DARE! (plus some from Vanity Fair - inexplicably May 2009) (more…)

Adriana Lima is pregnant (Celebslam) - she’s been married 3 months and she’s 3 months pregnant.  Dammit, no wonder she didn’t have sex before marriage - she’s a fertile fucking Mrytle! 

Lady Gaga covers Rolling Stone and is now bi - surprise!  (SocialiteLife) - great now she be sexually unappealing to two genders.

Micheal Lohan (Lindsay’s deadbeat dad) has some ’splaining to do (TheSuperficial) - dumbass threaten to kill his girlfriend when she tried to leave him.  Gee, why would she ever want to leave you dude?

Candice Swanepoel topless pics (Egotastic!) - she’s booooooobilicious!

Avril Lavigne almost pulls off the bikini bod  (NewsToob) - the problem?  Annoying, obnoxious idiots don’t look good in bikinis.  Sorry, but thanks for playing!

Lindsay Lohan in some leggings (DrunkenStepfather) - and I would STILL do her.

Dr. Dre is the new face of Dr. Pepper (ContactMusic) - and you know Eminem is gonna push those damn candies soon as well.

Rose McGowan may burst into flames in direct sunlight (HollywoodTuna) - I know pale is in but did Marilyn Manson give her some sorta albino virus or something??

Quite possibly the most f’d up person on the planet.

Things just seem to be going from bad to worse for Lindsay Lohan – the actress is reportedly pregnant.

The Mean Girls star has alledgly slept with a number of men following her split from girlfriend Samantha Ronson, and apparently doesn’t know who the child’s father is.

“I swear she’s carrying,” a source said. “She’s going through big emotional turmoil.  She’s not sure if she’ll have it or go through with an abortion that she booked to have in the next few days.

“Saddest part is she has no idea who the father is.  She must have slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months.”  (ShowbizSpy)

First of all, I know it ain’t mine (whoo!).  Second; two dozen men in two months??  Holy fuck, man.  What is she a drive-thru?  All she needs is a menu on her back and she’s ready for business. 

Of course, what is she gonna do now that she has a kid on the way?  Well, this blind item showed up today:

This film and television girl was devastated after her breakup. She got loaded every night and got a little crazy with more than one member of the opposite sex. Discovering she was pregnant, she went looking for solace and guidance. She confessed to one of her parents, who suggested she make money from the situation by turning the pregnancy and birth into a reality show.  Then she went crying to her ex. The ex isn’t playing. So she is not going to have the baby. A procedure is scheduled. (BlindGossip)

Wow.  Just, wow.

If all this is true (and it IS still an ‘if’) then the poor zygote never had a chance between all the liquor, drugs from mom-to-be and the “let’s turn this into a moneymaker” from grandma-to-be.

Wow.

Well, Madonna and her lawyer were REJECTED from adopting another Malawi kid:

A Malawi court has rejected Madonna’s request to adopt a second child from the country because of a requirement that prospective parents must live there for at least 18 months.

The ruling has certainly left Madonna and her legal team red-faced, a day after her lawyer told media that no law ‘can stop this adoption’. (TVShark)

BWAH-HA-HA-HA!

Serves the bitch and her shyster right.  They thought they could simply buy their way to the kid.  Now granted, the last time she adopted she was married to Guy Ritchie (last seen getting drunk and possibly getting blown by someone else).  This time she’s a single mother … or single father, depending on the way her arms look that day.

Of course, Madonna made a ‘heartfelt’ plea to the courts before the rejection:

“I am able and willing to securely provide for Chifundo James and make her a permanent and established member of my family,” Madonna said in a statement made in court.

“To deny Chifundo James the opportunity to be adopted by me could expose her to hardship and emotional trauma which is otherwise avoidable.” (IBID)

… riiiiiight…

How would not want this woman to be the mother of this child? (Dirty pictures ahead)

(more…)

Ever known people you just WANT to hate on but can’t?  Like a Ned Flanders person?  You wanna hate him but when he comes out on top you kinda think “that’s cool”.  Well, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are like that for me.  I remember when I heard they were getting married I though “yeah yeah, whatever, give a month”.  Well, now it’s been like 50 years and not only are they together but they have two cute kids.  And HOLY SHIT, they actually KEEP THEM OUTTA THE SPOTLIGHT?  You mean no “exclusives” to People or US?  Oh I feel faint!

Seriously, even these pictures are too fucking cute for me.  But given that there IS an infinite amount of alternate earths (based on the Uncertainty Principle and Schoedeger’s Cat Paradox); on some Earth Gwen Stefani and I are married.  Hell, on another Gwen and YOU are married (feel better about your worthless life?  Nah, me neither.)

So, let’s just pretend this is another other Earth:  Here are pictures of Gwen and our kids at the park.

Gallery from JustJared

Shit I think I need to decrease my dosage now!

NEW YORK - David Spade is the father of Playboy playmate Jillian Grace’s newborn daughter, Spade’s representative said Thursday. The baby girl was born Aug. 26 in Missouri, and Spade plans to visit her on his first break from filming the CBS sitcom “Rules of Engagement,” publicist Meredith O’Sullivan said.No further details were provided.

The 44-year-old comedian told TMZ.com earlier this year that he had a brief relationship with Grace, and would accept responsibility if confirmed to be the father of her child. (Associated Press, via The News Vault)

Seriously, some days it just doesn’t pay to turn over outta bed and look at what’s on the newswire. Fuck all the supposedly depressing shit about the world-at-large. The news that really depresses me is nice sweet things decide to jump ugly motherfuckers instead of me.

Of course, the worse part is that now an entire generation of sarcastic, tossed-hair, bad-dressed, short shits will think they can hit on women like this. Ugh. Moments like this I almost wish I was gay.

…

ALMOST.

PS - you perverts looking for some nudies can find them here.

With friends like these…?

Well isn’t this special! For those who have been living under a rock: Sarah Palin’s 17-year old daughter, Bristol Connecticut is 5 months pregnant in a revelation that should surprise NO ONE. Shit, in Alaska; the two main things to do up there is drink and fuck (not necessarily in that order, either). And as expected, all the Repubs are just delighted she’s keeping the child and marrying the father (poor dick, should’ve bought the rubber; Einstiein!!).

O_o

Never mind the inanity of all that after preaching about abstinence, teen pregnancy, ‘the parent’s fault’, blah blah blah. I’ll save that for Sunday. >:( In the mean time, Brist-ho has some unlikely allies: Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lynn Spears. Well creampie lovers need support groups too, ya know!

Lindsay takes the strong hand in saying

“I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place,” Lohan blogs on her MySpace page. “It’s distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.”
Lohan continues, “I get Sarah Palin’s views against abortion, but I would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country, rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what. Maybe focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like [Barack Obama’s vice presidential pick] Joe Biden.”

Lohan goes on to stress the importance of sex education.

“I think that parents need to recognize how important it is to talk to their children about the things that can result from being sexually active if they aren’t protecting themselves,” she writes. (US Magazine)

Well considering her stance on screwing any guy (and gal) that moves; its comforting to know that being a slut isn’t important. Call me babe!

Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn has gone a step further (sorta) …

A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.

An insider says it was actually Lynne Spears, Jamie Lynn’s mom, who called about the gift, and requested the gift come from her daughter.

“It was ordered by phone, and they asked what could be done for under $100. They spent $60 on pink burpcloths,” said the source.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to her first daughter, Maddie Briann, in June, at the age of 17.

(CelebTV.com via Blog Of Hilarity)

Well, my guess is that the Demos will cast this as Karl Rove’s plan to lock up the “Whore Vote”.

…

Seriously, all that’s missing is the half-Mexican/half-Asian/half-Black exchange student who comes and stays with the Palins every summer.

Hef is banging this … I’ll go shoot myself now.

Every once in a while, I just want to reach out and help people. Y’know, feed the hungry, educate the ig’nant, stop Hef from doing something crazy…

Playboy boss HUGH HEFNER will finally grant girlfriend HOLLY MADISON’s wish of becoming a mother - after agreeing to seek fertility treatment. Madison has regularly expressed her desire to become a mother during the couple’s reality TV show The Girls Next Door. And it seems the magazine mogul has agreed to become a father for fifth time. According to Hollywood gossip columnist Janet Charlton, the 81-year-old and Madison were spotted visiting a Beverly Hills gynaecologist who specialises in vitro fertilization. (source)

Nonononononononononononono! Hef … brother man … noooooo. Bad bachelor, bad! Oy, obviously Hef has not learned from his previous relationships that “kids = mucho $$$$”. I like Hef, he’s 81 and is banging girls a QUARTER his age. I have much to learn from sensei. But this? Nope. In 2 years, it’s gonna be “child support city”. I can hear the Holly going “ka-CHING!”

Well, here’s a couple of galleries of Ms. Madison in all her glory. I’ll let you decide if she’s worth half of what you own.

Holly likes to wash cars. (NSFW, but enjoyable)