CelebrityFIST!

Ouch! Pain!  Oh A-GO-NEE!
You know part of me really wants to know what Madonna’s smoking because she is really in an altered reality at this point.

First she has an accident with a horse (no, not “Catherine-The-Great” type of accident - though that would’ve been funny as shit):

The Material Mom, who suffered broken bones in a similar accident three years ago, was leaping over hurdles on a brown steed on the East End spread when she bit the dust just before 4:30 p.m.
In the wake of the titanic tumble, more than 10 people, including her Brazilian boy toy Jesus Luz, 22, rushed to her side.
Rescue workers, who arrived minutes later, scooped up the “Like a Virgin” songstress and gingerly carried her on a backboard to a waiting ambulance, which raced to Southampton Hospital.
She suffered only minor injuries and bruises but will have further tests and will remain under doctor’s observations, her spokeswoman said. (NYPost)

As you can imagine all those people freaked out - but then again, their PAID to freak out if something happens to their meal ticket.

Now under normal circumstances, if you had accident doing the same thing you previously had an accident - well; it’s called “user error”.  Madonna?  NOOOOOOOO.   Her rep said this:

“The accident occurred when the horse Madonna was riding was startled by paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes to photograph the singer.”

But the pap in question says “No Way, Jose (or Jesus)”

Freelance photographer Thomas Hinton claims he played no role in Madonna’s mishap - a position supported by the Southampton Village Police Department.

Hinton told The News he shot some frames of Madonna riding her horse about 3:50 p.m. Saturday, but took off soon after because he didn’t have a good vantage point. Hinton returned more than 40 minutes later when he got tipped off that Madonna had had an accident, he says.

“I arrived more than 10 minutes after she fell, and I was shooting from the street,” Hinton said. “I don’t know what [Madonna’s rep] is talking about.”  (NYDailyNews)

Of course, when it came for Madonna to “put up” or “shut up” on the police report?  Well…

…[N]ow local police Sgt Herbert Johnson reveals there was no mention of a photographer in the police report Madonna filed.
He tells TMZ.com, “There is no mention of photographers. It’s a matter of spin control that went out of control. If they felt there was something else, they would have written ‘paparazzi’ in the form.” (ContactMusic)

Obviously, Madge is just pissy because of her current war with Malawi.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just buy a Slumdog or something?  What’s a few hundred grand to this woman?  Then again, she’s incapable of bonding with animals so maybe the animals no something we don’t?  Wasn’t this like in one of those Omen movies?  Wooooooooo!

From CNN:

Michael Vick, once one of the highest paid players in the National Football League, was sentenced to 23 months in prison for financing a dogfighting ring and helping to kill pit bulls that did not fight aggressively.

Vick’s stunning downfall from NFL superstar to disgraced dogfighting defendant culminated Monday in a 90-minute sentencing hearing in federal court in Richmond, Virginia.

Vick was dressed in a black-and-white striped prison suit and apologized to the his family and to the judge.

“You need to apologize to the millions of young people who looked up to you,” responded U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson.

Vick also acknowledged he used “poor judgment” and added he was ready to accept responsibility.

Vick, 27, had faced a maximum of five years in prison. Federal sentencing guidelines recommended a sentence of 12 to 18 months

Michael Vick didn’t do anything right:  he lied during a polygraph test about not killing dogs, he smoked marijuana while on bail then lied to an officer about it.  He basically thought he would get away with all of it.

You got PWNED! motherfucker.  You also didn’t get enough time IMO.  See you in 2009, Michael Dick.

I must be evil because I get a kick out stories like this:

In a city known for over-opulence (i.e.: New York City); there once a fancy-schmancy restaurant named Serendipity 3. This place charged $11.50 for a hamburger. A hamburger! Anyway, they decided they wanted to break a pointless record so on November 7th they created a dessert that cost $25,000. That’s three zeros there, kiddies. For a sundae. Covered with gold. And a gold bracelet with diamonds.

Now, less than 2 weeks later; they’re closed. Why? Did they sell too many of those desserts? Did they go broke?

Nope. Try rats. And roaches.

….

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

A Manhattan restaurant that unveiled a record-breaking $25,000 dessert last week has been forced to shut its doors temporarily due to an infestation of mice and cockroaches.Serendipity 3 on the Upper East Side failed its second consecutive health inspection in a month on Wednesday night after health officials found a live mouse, mouse droppings in multiple places, flies and dozens of live cockroaches, the Heath Department said.

And in case you wanna go there once they - ahem - reopen; here’s a description of their piece de resistance:

Serendipity 3 set a Guinness world record on November 7 for the most expensive dessert when it partnered with luxury jeweler Euphoria New York to create “Frozen Haute Chocolate,” a blend of 28 cocoas fused with 0.2 ounces of edible 23-karat gold.

It comes with an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds at the base of the goblet. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound.

You can find their menu right here. No sign though of the “Rat Sorbet” or “Roach Truffle Decadence”. Maybe next time, they’ll spend some of that “Frozen Haute” money on an exterminator, no?

Source: Reuters

This one is actually too stupid to post, so I’m just gonna do this like a Fox New entry.
In what can only be considered as a setback in already strained US/Australian relations, true American super-mega-popstar Justin Timberlake has stated he was the victim of an evil attack by an Australian magpie. The charismatic American singer was innocently playing golf - taking a break from entertaining the US-starved Aussies - when suddenly and unprovoked; the sinister magpie attacked. Mr. Timberlake bravely fought off the environmental extremist and managed to barely escape injury.

He later recalled the incident onstage during his highly successful American-made concert in Sydney, Australia.

“[Magpies are] the dive bombing gangsters [and terrorists] of the air! … I didn’t realise until I got to the next tee bar, that I had peed my pants, just a little bit! Just a little bit, not a lot. So, I say, ‘Boo’ to the magpies.”

I for one am distraught at how our American entertainers - braving the dangers of international travel - are still forced to deal with the indigenous population! Australia has always been an ally of ours; so it’s all the more disturbing when they decide to use their own wildlife in order to make a political statement against America! To further the insult, they force our entertainers to urinate on themselves! We must not stand for this!!
END PARODY

All that from short article on how a bird made Timberlake piss in his pants. Imagine what I can do with REAL news.

Link to the actual article