CelebrityFIST!

If there was ever a soulmate, this one was it.  Unfortunately, she (by her admission) messed it up by marrying someone else.  She was also the longest relationship I had (two stints, three years).  However, I also remember she was the one who used the phrase “emotional vacuum” to describe me.  A fair assessment perhaps, but one I can’t forget and one I remember to avoid to this day.

I still speak to her every once in a while but she has her own (disjointed) life and I have mine.  Past is passed.

Oh, this is interesting not so much because of her but because of why.  (scratches head)

See, there was this really weird dude who used to hang around the Dungeon & Dragon games (don’t laugh this was 1985).  He wore a long trench coat and generally gave a weird vibe.

Of course as luck would fuckin’ have it he was randomly assigned as my roommate after my last one entered a frat.  I actually felt he was gonna murder me.  I even left notes under my pillow that if I died to look at him as the culprit.  No, really.

As it turned out, I had it backwards.

In the interim of all this, I was messing with #2 (who was my first college thing), an Asian exchange student.  Eventually I learned I didn’t have the two things she was looking for: 1) white skin, and 2) money.  She seduced my roommate and they decided to make out in our room … while I was there ‘asleep’.  Which I wasn’t of course.

Anyway a VERY long story short I simply told him that if she entered the room again he would have to leave through the window … we were on the 14th floor.  Suffice to say that we didn’t last roomies past the semester.

A few years later I learned she bled him dry until she found someone richer for her needs.

Karma, baby, karma.

Okay.  Now if I can truly say I fucked up one of the 17, this would be my choice.  We had common interests and we talked for hours on end (literally, we could talk on the phone for 6 hours at a time).  We had our … ‘moments’.  In the end though, she wanted to go her own way and … … … it wasn’t consistent with mine.  Maybe she wanted me to tell her NOT to go.  I don’t know and at this point, it’s irrelevant.

Honestly, I wasn’t that much versed in the female gender than I am now twenty years later.  I was a very shy little shit.  Read too much?  Read too little?  I don’t know.  I’ve NEVER known.  Perhaps happiness is just as much as a crap shoot as anything else in life.

In the end, she went into the armed forces, married a man with the same first name as mine, and in the same profession as mine.

….

Trust me, I know for a fuckin’ fact that God has a sense of humor.  And I’ve been a walking punchline.

This one was perhaps a losing fight to start with (no pun intended).  She was my subordinate, the workplace was in turmoil and she had a sometime long-distance boyfriend.  In retrospect, my … ‘libido’ was telling me to have her stay but my ‘brain’ was telling her she needed to make the best decision for herself.

I feel (or like to feel) that I could have made her stay.  But I’m not THAT much of an asshole.  She eventually went to him, got married and (as far as I know) has lived happily together ever since.

Not gonna lie - I get chills just to hear this song.  Seven years later and she still has me.

Flashback: March 17, 2002 -

“Just tell me what I’ve done wrong?” 

“You’ve done nothing wrong.”

…

…

And with that I learned the hardest lesson of them all:  You can do everything right … you still can do it wrong.

…

A coworker ask me out of nowhere a week ago, innocently: “So what happened to the ring?”

Short story I told her I got it back.

Which is true.  But I didn’t tell her what I did with it.

I’ve told no one.

…

I threw the $1200 ring in the trash on the one year anniversary of our breakup.  Somehow it seemed appropriate.  Still does.

Okay - don’t know about you, but now I really need to get shitfaced.

Well, every road to Hell starts somewhere right?  My started in junior high school and would ultimately end a couple of years later.  I learned that love hurts.  ALOT.  So much so that it doesn’t get easier 17 times later.

I also learned that if a guy likes the girl you like … you DEFINITELY don’t tell the girl.  This is especially true if he’s older, bigger, and handsomer than you.

… yeah, I know this should be common sense.  But if you’ve learned anything about me at this point is that my sense is most UNCOMMON (if not downright weird).

BTW, unlike the other entries - this song has absolutely nothing to do with the lady in question.  See, she works in the music industry (if a VERY minor role) and the I can’t afford to blow my cover (insert blowjob joke here).  Hence the use of this song.

Ouch.  No, really - ouch.  Out of the 17, she was easily the most attractive.  She literally stopped traffic once as we walked to the car after a musical.  Worse(?) still, she was very down to earth.  Unfortunately, she knew that our personalities were simply not compatible at the time - even when I didn’t.  Even though we eventually drifted apart … I can’t really complain.

She was far smarter than she gave herself credit for and out of the 17, I truly hope she found someone better than me.

I tried.  I really really tried.  Or maybe I just tried too fuckin’ hard.  Or not hard enough.  Or not hard enough for long enough.  Or maybe she knew I preferred her friend (who I did mess with and got no further).

You know what?  I really don’t give a fuck anymore.  Suffice to say, it takes ALOT for me to say “fuck this” - she managed to pull it off.

This one was a hoot.  I would’ve given her the world - but all she wanted was rent (if you can dig what I’m sayin’).  She chose a greaseball loser who went broke.  She got beat up by a bunch of trannies (true story).

Every once in a while, karma wins out.