CelebrityFIST!

Honestly, this is a post I’ve been holding off on because - well, i STILL think this won’t happen.  Though if it does it’ll be kinda interesting to see what happens next.

Okay, here’s the lowdown.  There’s this pornstar by the name of Sasha Grey.  Now homeboy here made her a ChaozBabe early on (#3, to be exact).  To summarize, she’s like an evil version of me (which is kinda saying something).  Anyway, she is trying to break into REAL motion pictures.  Like the type you got to a REAL theatre for.

Now normally, this wouldn’t mean shit; since up to now argueably the ‘biggest’ crossover star is Traci Lords (who managed co-billing in some Lovecraft-related horror films).  Those who have crossed over since have mostly had small roles or TV appearances at best.

Sasha is going for broke, though.

The movie?  “The Girlfriend Experience“.  The role?  Lead, baby.  The director?  Steven Soderbergh.  Yeah, as in the one that has directed Ocean’s Eleven (and sequels), Traffic, and Che.

Now despite the title, “Soderbergh’s film supposedly has no sex and minimal nudity.” (Huffington)  This only lends to the ultimate question:  “Can a porn star actually carry a non-porn film?”  If Sasha can pull this off (and - honestly - there’s every reason to say she shouldn’t) will she be able to actually “to do the impossible” and cross over as legitimate?

Hell, will she WANT to?

Variety’s review - mostly positive here.

You wanna see Sasha do nasty stuff - google it - but here’s a start.

Okay, okay - video of Sasha doing her ‘dayjob‘. (NSFW, doesn’t even cover it)
Below: Pics of Sasha and Steven at the Tribeca Film Festival.  No, really.

Just spread’em sweetie…
I still wanna do Lindsay Lohan.  No, really!  This isn’t sarcasm here!  I still do.  I wanna do all sorts of nasty things to her that would leave us either in jail or in the hospital (the latter most likely for me).For example, this chick (who has no money) does what any guy would do when he’s been kicked to the curb.  ROAD TRIP!  Or in this case, plane ride; as she went to sunny, funny Hawaii.  There she did what she does best (besides fucking) - she went everywhere in a bikini or shorts.  Yummy!

Yeah, I know she needs to eat a sandwich … or two … or twenty.  But hey!  She got dumped, everyone goes thru that period where they lose a shit load of weight cuz their depressed.  Though I tend to gain weight myself because I usually will try to drink my own weight in alcohol after a breakup.  Hell, there was this one time I started by drinking mixed drinks with this stripper, then we went to straight liquor and finally to Everclear.  Then we went back to my place and we were so drunk that I could get it up even though she blew me for about 15 minutes finally she started falling asleep with my dick her mouth!!

…

…

But I digress.

Anyway, she looks a little skinny but still doable (to me).  All I need is a bottle of Viagra, a case of vodka and a twelve pack of Dos Equis (for myself) and its PARTY TIME!!

Warning - no dirty pictures but a SHITLOAD of bikini pics after the jump. (more…)

:::cracks knuckles:::

Ok - we’ve got a six-pack handy; I don’t go to work til 3 tomorrow and I’m in a bitchy mood.  I’m ready to blog!!

Well Kim Kardashian took to the streets with dirty blond hair the other day and had the whole blogosphere in a tizzy.  While most took the opinion that it looks terrible … I think it actually doesn’t look bad on her.

Don’t get me wrong she still a spoiled, fat-assed, slut; but then again I like my sluts fat-assed (though I could do without the ’spoiled’ part). 

Of course, then she has to ruin all the buzz by saying “Ha HA!  Jokes on you!”

“It’s a wig! Did I have you fooled? I did a fabulous photo shoot this weekend and they put this hair piece on! I haven’t taken it off since, because I’m really loving the look. I’ve been wearing it around New York and everyone thought it was my real hair! It’s making me want to dye my hair and maybe go lighter for the summer. What do you think? Should I dye it for real?” (Kim’s Blog)

I say dye it, but I say dye it red.  Have I mentioned I like redheads, Kim?

AGGGH!! MY EYES! MY PENIS!

Well now some time later…. OH SNAP!  Wha’ happened?  She looks like a bargain clown you get at the last minute for your girlfriend’s kid’s birthday.  And the only reason you spring for it is because you’re trying to get the desperately needed blowjob that no one else will give you because you’re a fat bastard who can’t see his weenie without sucking in his gut into a black hole and you spent all your money on beer that only causes your already fat gut to get fatter.

…

But I digress.  (Man, I gonna therapy after today!    )

No seriously, she looks terrible.  Maybe she’s between stylists.  Surely she has one on call or something?  I’m mean, shit - she’s coming outta a limo.  You don’t buy those things; you rent’em.  You can rent a limo but not someone to tell you that “Girrrl!  You look like a Cindy Lauper and Boy George’s love child!”   Shit, I’ll do it!  Pay me $1500 a week and tell you you look like shit or not.

What?  $1500 not enough?

Well, it was bound to happen…

I’ve decided to spinoff my Gratuitous Goodies section into its own site.  Sorta.

Now don’t freak out - let me ‘asplain’. (more…)

As you can tell, I’m not a fan of raccoons right now.  Actually haven’t been for a while.  They wreak havoc in my front and back yards while trying to feed my outside cats.  Now, I have about 4 of these fucking varmints and have been waging a slow war with them.

And yeah, I think I’m losing.  Ugh.    Ok, lets see some human flesh  (more…)

Alright, now for those who don’t know already; Unca Chaoz here is a comic book geek.  Specifically, DC Comics.  And specifically of THAT, mostly non-superhero.  Sgt. Rock, G.I. Combat, Kamandi, House of Mystery, etc.  That’s my forte.  Well they’re not making any of those titles anymore; except a western comic.

Jonah Hex.

I’ve got a soft spot for the book.  He’s basically a disfigured Clint Eastwood “Man With No Name” character.  He was born to an alcoholic dad who beat the shit outta him and then sold his ass off to an Indian tribe.  He saved the tribal chief and was made an honorary ’son’ of the chief.  This would piss off the chief’s real son and saw Jonah as a rival.  Eventually, on a raid against another tribe Jonah was left for dead by his rival.

After serving in the Confederate infantry he would eventually make his way back to the tribe where his rival challenged him to a tomahawk duel.  The chief’s son however had sabotaged Jonah’s weapon and Jonah kills his rival with a hidden knife after realizing what had happened.  The chief, however, felt that what Jonah did was ‘cheating’ and for his sin was scarred on his right side with a burning tomahawk.

A pariah to both white men and red; he became a bounty hunter.  Make his living bringing wanted men - dead or alive.

That’s from memory, motherfuckers.

Anyhoo - they have FINALLY decided to make a movie about one of my all time favorite characters.  Of course, they’re gonna fuck it up.  How?  Two words (more…)

Sometimes just don’t realize its 15:01.  Take for example this chick.  For those who don’t know (which should be 100% of you) this is Brittany Flickinger (or Fuckfinger, if you prefer).  Anyway, she won the Be Paris Hilton’s BFF Reality Show or some shit like that.  She got to hang with Paris for like a month before Paris got bored with her and basically kicked her to the curb (like she does with most people).

So instead of doing something constructive to extend her ‘15 minutes’ (like animal porn); she goes to the beach for some paparazzi shots.  Well, actually she probably gets a friend to take this pics early in the morning (she still looks asleep) and then sends them off to … um, wherever pap shots get sent.

So, Brittany - seriously, suck some dick on film and you’ll become famous … or at least more famous than you are now anyway.

Well, our weeklong Fiesta here is over and I did the usual of not doing anything (though I did get trashed for about 2 days; but it was at home so not quite the same thing)

Warning - it looks like I will eventually have to try to upgrade my Wordpress blog BUT the last time that happened … well the entire blog got trashed.  But don’t worry!  It will probably be during the summer AND I have learned a new word from the last attempt: backup. 

Anyway, who’s up for some Goodies? (more…)

This woman is YOUNGER than Ron Wood’s last marriage!!

Ron Wood gives all us regular guys hope that we too will bang someone young, dumb and … *ahem*.  How?  Well, only for the pure that fact then even money can only equalize things so far…

Ageing rocker RONNIE WOOD is reportedly planning to marry his young lover EKATERINA IVANOVA - news which has devastated his estranged wife Jo.
The Rolling Stones star, 61, split from his partner of 23 years in July (08), after his affair with 20-year-old Russian waitress Ivanova was exposed in the press.
Just last month (Mar09) his wife declared the divorcing duo are still great friends.
But a pal tells British tabloid the Sunday Mirror that Jo is no longer talking to her estranged husband as she was hoping the pair would eventually get back together.
The pal says, “Jo is devastated and now knows there is no turning back.
“Ronnie wants the divorce to be settled as soon as possible so he can marry Kat. Jo always believed this was just a silly fling but that couldn’t be further from the truth. She worked really hard to remain on good terms with Ronnie despite what he has done. But now instead of sorting things out he wants to fight out any claims (in court).” (ContactMusic)

His only mistake is that he’s gonna marry her.  He’s been banging her for about 6 months now and now he wants to marry her??  My only guess is that he got the “no ring, no sexing” ultimatum.  I guess even Ronnie didn’t like the idea of having to find another naive Russian 20-year-old.

…

Wait, what?

Oh, yeah - here’s a couple of topless pics of her I found on the net.  See if its worth marrying… (more…)