CelebrityFIST!

Daddy likes Brooke’s impersonation of 11:35.

“I try to make it to as many of Brooke’s performances as possible.  I support her and everything that she does. I’d watch my daughter perform no matter what she does.” (Life & Style via Celebslam)

Umm, ooooo-kay.

Of course, my first response would be “fine, I’ll pay her a $1000 to give me a blowjob while you watch”.  Two problems with this:

• He might take me up on it.
• He might enjoy it MORE than I do. 

Granted, Brooke’s mouth ain’t worth a grand (unless I get video rights), but even then I’m afraid daddy Hulk will start giving her pointers mid-fellatio (”Now remember sweetie to suck hard on the head … like that time I told you afterschool.“)

I laugh now that Miley Cyrus was bitching that everyone though there was something improper about her and her dad’s relationship.  I don’t recall Billy Ray Cyrus rubbing suntan oil on Miley’s ass (though I might pay to see that).

Ok - even I find this offensive (real ad)

Ok… after 3 4 5 6 beers.  I am ………….. back. 

So lets see what the hell we’ve missed, hmmm?

Lily Allen may have three nipples but ZERO fashion sense - DrunkenStepfather

Courtney Cox shows panty crotch while practicing her running back moves - DrunkenStepfather (also)

Amelle Berrabah(?) from Sugarbabes(??) shows off some see-thru nipplage (well THAT I understand) - DS (see a pattern forming?)

Valerie Bertinelli in a bikini for People - photoshopped but still not bad in the least (more power to her) -  Egostatic

Fergie may be going bald - welcome to planet Earth girl - Celebslam

Jamie Lynn Spears ISN’T marrying her (alleged) baby daddy!  Colour me … obvious.  -  Celebslam

All the best shows are on the SyFy(lis) Channel?????? - FAIL X 100 - ContactMusic

Justin Timberlake + Jessica Biel = Love That Stands The Test of Time …. BWAH-HA-HA-HA!  :LOL: !  - TheSuperficial

…

There was more but I already drank a six pack.  Oh wait….

:::slams second six-pack on table:::

Oh, yeah - Unca Chaoz came to play! 

You know you’re going to have a bad day at work when normally you open up business with 5 people … and only two show up.

…And one of the is YOU.

I’m going to drink 3-4 beers so I can calm down to ‘pissed off’.  In the meantime, here’s Petra Verkaik.  And yeah I won’t lie, it’s all about the boobs with this one.  Ever since she was Playmate of the Month all I wanted do was get inbetween that pair. (more…)

I think I need glasses… wait I ALREADY wear glasses!!

You may not know this but I truly hate mornings with a passion.  No really, nothing ever good comes out of the morning, for me anyway.  Mornings mean jury duty, or doctors appointments, or can’t find help at work.  For example, I worked this morning and I have to ALSO work tomorrow morning. 

Not fun.  And while I’m at it, fuck breakfast (best meal of the day my ass).  You know, I used to eat breakfast AFTER I got outta work at IHOP at 11PM.  Now THAT’S when breakfast should be eaten.

…

But I digress.

Was going to do more than one Goodie but I’m tired and got get up early.
Here we have Sara Jean Underwood.  She is the 2007 Playmate of the Year (congrats) and she is hot (airbrushing aside).  However, to yours truly she also seems to look like Paris Hilton.  Or at least a version of Paris where she was hit on the side of the head so hard her lazy eye straigtened out, she had a few pounds more (in the right places) and wasn’t dropping herpes every time she bent over.

I dunno, does she look like Paris or am I losing it?  YOU MAKE THE CALL! (more…)

Apparently she fucks like one, too…

First, no I didn’t post anything yesterday - the computers at work went down and I basicially performed 8 hours of work in 4 hours - not fun to say the least.

Second, we’re gonna get outta my head (for a bit) and into someone else’s BED.  Namely, Jenny McCarthy’s.

Seems her ex-hubby, actor/director (really?) John Asher is missing the comedy coochie.  Or maybe, just the ‘additional’ fun she brought??

Busty actress/model Jenny McCarthy’s ex has revealed he misses nights of passion with the star - because she was “a freak in the sack”.
Actor/director John Asher, who was married to McCarthy from 1999 to 2005, feels sure his ex-wife’s current beau, Jim Carrey, is having the time of his life in the bedroom - because the actress really knows how to spice up sex.
Asher revealed his ex liked threesomes and once even invited three other “naughty sweet young girls” to join them for sex in a recent ConwayAndWhitman.com interview.
He said, “She’d be the subject of most of the attention, but always kept me in the mix. Jenny was a freak in the sack and beyond.
“There are some things that she’s done where I’ve thought, ‘No other woman will ever do that.’ It’s a helluva show.” (ContactMusic)

One one hand this makes me wonder what she does.  Then I’m guessing that (other than the threesomes) all she does is swallow and maybe anal.  I dunno; somehow this guy managed to lay low and NOW decides the misses the sex?  I’m guessing he needs to get out more often.

Plus Jenny is a $cientologist so that kinda fucks all that up anyway.
Of course, I should talk - I miss one girl … she did $1 tabledances… 

Well, this is as good as an excuse to run naked pics of Jenny - hey if I do a shit post at least it comes with some non-shit with it … not like lame pics of woman running around looking like crap - I’ll open my front door. 

(ok - uncalled for … sorry.  )

Here’s the pics! (more…)

“Just outside Yuris headquarters is the monument to the firemen who died after the explosion. The monument was erected by the firemen themselves. After the explosion, firemen raced to the plant withihn 2 minutes of hearing the alarm, unknowingly exposing themselves to lethal doses of radiation.”

I don’t know if I have expressed this explicitly but I have contemplated re-activating “Failure To Communicate” as a … ‘non-celeb’ blog.  In other words, “snark the world” as it were.  From Octomom to the current financial quagmire, there’s shit going on in the world that needs a Nero to play the fiddle.

Or at least a well-intentioned metaphorical tomato tossed onto the world stage.

With that i give you a potential topic of discussion - no one is under any obligation to comment on it.  Comments will not affect one or the other the potential re-activation of FTC - just throwing it out there if you will.

…

With that, I quote some one who has 10,000 x balls more than me:

So heres my trip to Chernobyl in pictures.

The trip was booked with http://www.tourchernobyl.com. I just emailed info@tourkiev.com, and got in touch with the guy who runs the whole place, Sergei. Really, really helpful guy who talked me through the whole process and answered numerous dumbass emails i sent him. You can book everything through them, from the flights (cost me about 500 euro) to hotel (160 euro for 2 nights), to a pickup at the airport and dropoff when leaving ($40 each).

The rest of the ‘tour’, including incredible pictures are available here.

Hayden Panettiere in InStyle UK

Heather Graham looking kinda cute, kinda pasty, mostly irrelevant at the beach

OLD Jessica Alba (as in 2005) but nippleage…

Doutzen Kroes in Vogue (03/09) - she grows on me … kinda like an erection. 

Giorgia Palmas - now SHE may be the next Megan Fox Giorgia Palmas!

The Photoshop Diet: Watch those pounds MELT away!!

Well, everyone’s OTHER attention whore, Kim Kardashian graces(?) the pages of Complex Magazine.  Frankly, this is no big deal.  Except for the fact that AnimalNewYork.com snagged an original of Kimmy and compared it to the *ahem* finished product.

it looks like their retouchers did a bunch of work on cover girl Kim Kardashian too. We spotted this image (left) of the talentless starlet this morning in their “web exclusive” gallery (since removed), but by afternoon she was looking a lot better (right).

Now to their credit, they didn’t do too much PSing (like Playboy did with Aubrey O’Day - OMG!).  Other than the smoothing of the skin tone on her legs (from the onset of varicose veins ) the only big change was on her hips.

…

Probably needs to skip supersizing that value meal, no?

Anyway here’s the rest of the photo’s from that shoot (from Complex Magazine)

Suddenly, I wanna play with my harddrive…

First of all, Allure is not the first magazine you think of when you think ’sexy women’.  Hell, I’d probably think JCPenney’s Catalog before Allure - but enough about my childhood.  Thankfully, Cindy Crawford has shown me the error of my ways.

There’s only 4 pictures but there a shitload going on in each of them.  Freud probably would have analyzed these before, during AND after masturbating to them.  Offhand, I see hanging, bondage, roboerotica, food, violence, and clean/dirty dichotomy.  Mind you, I never took a psych class - I’m just really perverted is all. 

Anyway, I give props to the photographer and most especially to 43-year-old Cindy Crawford.  Photoshop or not (as some have alleged) - DAMN she looks delicious, doesn’t she? 
Oh and in keeping with the previous ChaozGoddess theme I had yesterday, it should be noted that Cindy graduated first in her high school class (Unc here graduated second in his).

Cindy, if you ever get tired of multimillionaires and wanna ’slum’ - call me!    (the naughty pic after the jump) (more…)